Noodles and Broth

Smash Hits

2010-11-19T13:05:00.002Z

http://www.likepunkneverhappened.blogspot.com/

Bombay

2010-10-12T09:39:00.001+01:00

(nsfw)

El Guincho - Bombay from CANADA on Vimeo.

MP3

Noodles And Broth Team 2008

2010-09-24T15:17:00.000+01:00

Back when men were men and blogging was blogging.

Stone Roses

2010-09-19T11:58:00.001+01:00

thanks JB

Eating Noodles

2010-09-17T17:58:00.002+01:00

Terry the Terrier

2010-09-16T15:48:00.001+01:00

no drugs, thugs or mugs

2010-08-29T22:27:00.009+01:00

all in one video here - http://www.selectdj.com/Documentaries-on-Rave-culture/World-In-Action-A-Trip-Around-Acid-House-ITV-1998-50mins.html

nice do

2010-08-29T22:20:00.001+01:00

refuugeeeeee caaaaaaaamp

2010-08-27T16:12:00.001+01:00

sick, sick flow

2010-08-26T13:44:00.001+01:00

If I were a Rich Man (and a lot more of a risk taker than I am)

2010-08-20T13:03:00.000+01:00

Surfing

2010-08-17T15:15:00.008+01:00

I IZ BACK

2010-08-13T18:05:00.002+01:00

I am back. Get ready for some ill shit. Chris is going to start again too. Then we will make Matt too. Then it will be like 2008 again. I am mainly doing this to annoy Alex Miller - who runs a smaller and less popular blog called Vice. Here is a video of Alex Miller - he loves music.

He is also a right larf.

DR DRE'S DICK IS AS BIG AS YOUR TOOTH

2010-07-15T13:37:00.002+01:00

Skip to 3:00 for the confession:

"Got teeth in your mouth, so my dick's GOT to fit"

He probably didn't realise what could be derived from this 'rap' at the time. But he must have been so pissed off afterwards when everyone who listened to the song was able to gleam from this lyric that Dre's dick is AT MOST the size of a tooth (or maybe some teeth). That's why he left it as an album track instead of releasing it as a single, hoping no one would ever hear this emasculating confession... Only for this album to become one of the best selling albums of all time.

UH OH!! GUTTED!!

FAO: White People

2010-07-15T13:22:00.002+01:00

Oof! Whoever said white people are boring couldn't be more right.

This guy is never going to inspire anyone. The reason why it's ok to have black pride, or girl pride or gay pride is because they're all innately a lot more fun than boring dudes like this. I bet you won't even be able to watch the whole video if you tried.

Give me Gucci Mane any day.

Worst Nightmare

2010-07-05T17:11:00.002+01:00

Fuck me. I sincerely hope that if I ever go into surgery my doctor isn't looking up how to do the procedure on fucking YouTube. Why is this video even on youtube?? Shouldn't this just be the kind of thing that doctors KNOW??

"Oh, nurse, could you tilt that screen lower, I can't see what to do next... Shit, skip it back 10 seconds... Wait, why won't it load.."

NO THANKS DOC.

Irish Rap

2010-02-11T16:43:00.001Z

i really wanted to transcribe some of the best lyrics, but it's all so good, just listen to as much as you can... Except the bit with 'barry scott' at the end. That's a bit shit.

yep

2009-12-24T15:21:00.006Z

That's why mums go to Iceland!

2009-12-21T16:37:00.002Z

Thank you to Alison for pointing out that you can buy your whole Christmas dinner from Iceland for £16.

It's a cracking deal.

Good work to Matt, who pointed out the irony that Iceland is meant for 'Busy Mums'. When any mum who does the majority of her shopping is probably not going to be very busy at all.

Good work for me to pointing out that they hit the nail on the head by appointing Kerry Katona, the trashiest mum in the world, to represent their brand across all media fronts.

And can anyone confirm that Iceland sell frozen sandwiches so that 'busy mums' can give their kid a good lunch at school?

Pa Rappa The Rappa

2009-12-21T16:33:00.002Z

Is the phrase 'kick, punch, it's all in the mind' from something before this game?? i'm sure i heard someone say it a couple of weeks ago as if it was a really famous phrase, like from Karate Kid or something. No shit, I've had this little rap going round inside my head on and off for like 10 years now.

Best Email I've ever had on a Friday Morning

2009-12-11T11:22:00.002Z

"last night, right. something very weird happened. I must have sleep walked. The first thing I remember is being on the top floor of xxxxx. In just my white pants

I had no idea what was going on. I freaked out and walked up and down the stairs. I thought that maybe I had been in another flat so i walked around all the other doors seeing if any of them were open (at this point i was still in a wierd trance). then i really got worried and cold and tried throwing rubbish out of the window in the hallway at matts window to wake him up to let me in to the flat but this didnt work. then i banged on our door for ages but nobody came to let me in.

then i walked up to the top floor again just because i knew no one would come up there. i found some cardboard boxes and some bubble rap and put them over me to keep warm. I had absolutely no idea what to do.

then i pissed in an empty bottle on the top floor cos i was desperate and it over flowed so i caught the rest in the mop bucket.

then i got really cold and walked down to ours again and banged on the door even harder (it was really hard to bang on the door loudly though cos i didnt want next door to come out and see me locked out in my pants. still no one came to let me in.

i was out of ideas. so i walked down to the bottom floor, trying to find some items of clothing somewhere so i could knock on someone elses door.
then i realised i could just buzz on our door and they'd let me in. (cant believe that i didnt think of this any earlier. i must have been in a real weird sleep trance) but still no one answered and i had to buzz for ages. And its so loud outside. i was so so woried that someone would look out of one of the groundfloor windows and I'm sure someone probably did.

then mickey let me in.

probably the strangest thing thats ever happend to me."

Sore losers

2009-11-14T19:37:00.002Z

Seven Alternate Ending

2009-10-05T10:16:00.000+01:00

Dude, I was alive in 1994

2009-10-05T05:57:00.002+01:00

and i can remember it definitely did not look like as much like 1985 as this:

But then, I guess that's the difference between New Jersey and Kent. This film looks incredible, if only for the chance to see the woman talk about her 'Cheque to Cash' on a big screen. Thank you Meghan.

Oh, and while I'm at it:

Ignore the first 20 seconds or so. The rest is nowhere near as lame. Thanks again, Meghan.

It was Supposed to be So Easy...

2009-09-25T23:31:00.002+01:00

For some reason throwing up a few snide comments about stuff has become too difficult for us to manage recently, and the blog has been neglected. We'll try rectify it, but fact is, like all talented groups, our creativity cannot be contained in just one blog.

Blogging has been pretty slow on Noodles recently, but be warned that this may continue to be the case as we each pursue our own artistic projects over the next few months (before our dreams fall apart and we end up back in jobs we hate, and have loads of time on our hands to post shit on here again).

Bob, always the Charlie of our 'Busted' group, has decided to set up his own Fightstarr of a blog Completely Adorable. It looks pretty good so far, so check it out.

I, as the misunderstood talent behind much of the output, will continue plugging away, a la James from Busted. I have a side project of my own which I have woefully neglected, and as such rendered it pretty much useless. Meant to be a blog of my escapades travelling from coast to coast in America, it looks set to forever be a 'work in progress'. It's called StarsAndShites and is waaaay out of date already...

The metaphor falls apart here because Busted only has one more member, Matt. He did pretty well in boning and marrying MTV hottie, Emma Griffiths but both her and Matt's careers have been in freefall since, so let's just hope that neither Matt nor Bruno follow suit. Here's a really airbrushed picture of her:

And to make the title of this post make sense, here is a video some kid made for the Streets song: 'it was supposed to be so easy':

SKINS

2009-08-10T15:56:00.001+01:00

I saw a guy with that crucified skinhead tattoo on the train last week. He had it on the back of his head and looked pretty cool.

YES.

2009-08-06T18:36:00.000+01:00

LAZY POST TIME - FUN THINGS OFF MY WORK COMPUTER

2009-07-31T13:13:00.005+01:00

A Bird Just Flew

2009-07-23T12:13:00.003+01:00

into the window I'm sat right in front of. And I'm pretty sure it died. You might be able to make out it's little bird corpse in the middle of this picture. I'm actually quite shaken up.

(For the purposes of scale it's worth pointing out that is a gravelly rooftop it is lying on, not a rocky mountainous landscape)

Political movement for making our flag less pussyish

2009-07-22T17:06:00.009+01:00

LOOK at all these babies. Why can't we get some stabby or gunny things on our flag? I want some, big time...

HERE IS MY SUGGESTION FOR THE RENOVATED UNION JACK:

Where the cult of celebrity meets the natural progrsion of fine art

2009-07-22T16:41:00.004+01:00

Everyone knows who Ross Kemp is. He is the loughavable yet tough and withdrawn hero of Ultimate Force, ITV's best SAS based drama. Well, some bright young things have worked out that his head, almost featureless in most respects apart form the essentials, makes an excelent subject for comical folding. I know it sounds like I am being sarky, but it's jsut my general tone, becasue I am a dickhead. But some of these are absolutely brilliant:

World's most depressing blog

2009-07-22T16:28:00.004+01:00

For my work I spend a fair bit of time looking at horribly upsetting photos. From injured children in war zones, to mortally dependent old alchies and junkies, to child prostitutes and poverty stricken illegal immigrants. I am not saying these things aren't terrible and upsetting, they are, but they don't make me want to cry quite as much as some of the things on this blog. My buddy Pegs showed it to me today. This has to be the most crushingly desperate 'tips' i have ever seen, I am off to work out a way I can garuntee being able to afford high class mints for the rest of my life...

Puzzled

2009-07-22T11:06:00.013+01:00

This has to hands down be the worst thing that anybody has ever ever tried to sell.

A fucking PUZZLE of Matthew Upson. How has this happened? Who would spend £14.99 on this? Surely people do puzzles of landscapes or baked beans?

Look at the description:

Matthew Upson portrait prior to kick off. England v Liechtenstein, Old Trafford, Manchester 10/09/2003, Euro 2004 qualifier.
Liechtenstein? Fucking Liechtenstein? This is to commemorate a match where England struggled to beat a minnow 2-0? A match used to test whether James Beattie was good enough to play for England?
And Matthew fucking Upson? What next a Chris Powell commemorative plate to mark England's 2-1 win against Finland at Anfield in 2001?

Licensed Manchester United Merchandise - wtf? This is getting really confusing.

300 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle measuring approximately 17x12 inches (43x30cm), includes a free 7x5 (17x12 cm) photograph and a re-sealable bag (Not Boxed). Estimated image size 432x305mm.
Hang on so if somebody does for some unknown reason decide that they want to part with 15 quid for this they don't even get it in a box?? How is this a real thing?

Unbelievable.

Roots of Led Zeppelin

2009-07-21T23:49:00.002+01:00

Is a really good triple CD album, that isn't so much a background to Led Zep, more a collection of influential pre-rock blues music. I found it on this blog, which is pretty great. Although the posts may be infrequent every single album is a real must-have.

Disc 1

Disc 2

Disc 3

Oh, and don't be such a bitch about it being on Rapidshare, just get an account - it's the best.

So it seems

2009-07-17T16:13:00.002+01:00

those pervy shots that the Arab Parrot is so popular for (see here and here), might not be kosher after all...

Here he is hitting worldwide media for trying it out on Paris Hilton and invading her privacy...

Looks like he's got good taste in doing it with an Olympus mju ii though.

"Us?? Haha, no... We're not Fascists!"

2009-07-17T09:30:00.009+01:00

"...We just hate immigrants and want to kick them out".

So say Gaetano Saya of the Italian National Guard.

Anyone else think that their logo is bascially just dozens of swastikas stuck together?? Anyway, this is the uniform they want to wear to patrol Italian streets as a kind of souped-up Neighbourhood Watch scheme.

Like most people, I'm pretty hazy around my definitions of what Fascism actually is. But from what I gather, it has a pretty bad reputation. It's come to be a by-word for 'Racist mass murderer', but I have a friend who insists that Fascism has been totally exploited from it's original intension, and it really isn't a bad thing at all. There must be something nasty about the word, because anyone labelled with it is very quick to deny any link to Fascism, when the rest of the world is equally as quick to insist thet they are Fascist. It's all so confusing.

Regardless of what Fascists may or may not want to do, and who they may or may not want to kill, I think there's one thing we can all agree on. And that's that if the Fascists of the past got one thing right, it was their fashion and sense of style. It was absolutly spot on and truly timeless. Just check these out for some pretty amazing examples of fascist architecture:

Although they lost the Second World War, the German's would have won the battle of the catwalk. With natty little numbers by Hugo Boss, the enthnically biased boys from Berlin looked every inch the rulers of a Bavarian dominated globe.

Dashing stuff indeed. So perhaps there is something worth remembering about Fascism and reviving?

For those of you who are keen to recreate the past 'glory days' where Fascism (or whatever you like to call it) didn't need to be denied, simply visit this, frankly unbelievable, website where you can buy reproduction uniforms and camo gear. It's all good stuff, dear.

Indeed, any budding Max Mosley sexual deviant out there who want to 'relive' the experience of being dragged to a gas chamber to get their rocks off can bring a bit of added realism to the situation with this reproduction cannister of Zyklon B. A touch pricey at $50, but you pay for quality these days.

You can even sip your tea out of a Zyklon B designed mug:

In fact, that website is so fucking bizzare you could spend all day on it discovering sinful gifts of hate that you probably thought had been exterminated 60 years ago.

Have fun!!

Birthday Shoes.com

2009-07-09T10:19:00.006+01:00

Is a site dedicated to these godawful creations that make Nike Rifts look conservative. They are marketed as an alternative to shoes, that will enhance your life by strengthening your legs and lots of other bullshit. I guess they probably come in a package with khaki 3/4 length combat trousers. Oh, and they will make you look like a prick. As if to purposefully ruin their own credibility, Time Magazine awarded them the title of One of the Best Inventions of 2007. Must have been a pretty slow year for inventions.

In a bid to show that idiots are not afraid to be publicly humiliated, those who have been unfortunate enough to buy the 'Vibram 5 Fingers' continually post pictures of themselves (often including their faces) wearing the things on the site. You couldn't make it up. This is one of the few guys clever enough to hide avoid showing his face in the picture, but sums up the creative level of smugness these people enjoy with their rejection of cultural 'norms'.

"Stimulating the muscles in your feet and lower legs will not only make you stronger and healthier, it improves your balance, agility and proprioception." Bullshit. These are nothing but a thick pair of socks which will leave you cold, miserable and unprotected in the rain. They have none of the advantages of shoes (padding, air bubbles, looking good, not hurting when people stand on your toes...), and instead only go to show the world how gullible you are. Shoes have become a staple element of clothing for hundreds of years because, quite simply, they work. It might not be glamourous, but they 'do the job'. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, etc, etc... There's no good reason to change anything about them. That these things were invented at all, and were one of the best inventions of recent times, is a truly depressing fact. I think Thomas Pynchon would point to this as evidence of cultural entropy.

Oh, and they are definitely not to be confused with Deano's birthday shoes. You'll only ever see these on one guy, once a year.

I gLOVE MJ

2009-07-07T20:36:00.004+01:00

I had thought that when Lily Allen wore one glove 'in tribute' to Michael Jackson during her Glastonbury performance it was in kind of a kitsch fashion; meant in the same way that someone might wear shelltoes to a hip hop night and say they were 'retroooo' whilst nodding their head. But instead it seems she was just abiding by the protocol with the Jackson family. The only difference being that they were issued with spangly gloves rather than just straight white ones. The whole family wore shimmering chainmail mittens on one hand. I can only guess it was a gesture to symbolise that Michael kept a lot of his body covered up during his life.

In oder Aus

2009-07-07T20:23:00.001+01:00

if you do nothing else, at least watch the first 40 seconds of this clip for the Fashion Polizei's frogmarch across the screen.

Arab Parrot @ Gay Pride

2009-07-07T14:44:00.003+01:00

New York is the fucking best. Hopefully going there in a few weeks, so thought I'd check up on the Arab Parrot's blog for some good pictures to get me in the mood. This isn't quite what I had in mind (no homo), but still.

Well worth having a flick through the rest of the pics on his site... rest assured there are plenty of pervy pics of hot girls (like this) to look at too.

New York really is too much.

I have no idea

2009-07-07T14:26:00.001+01:00

why the crowd looks so empty - surely the demand for this show was so big that they could have doubled the amount of tickets sold and takenover the whole of Hyde Park... But still, at least these two had the time of their lives. Thank you, Jam.

Being a Pussy: A Confession

2009-07-06T11:34:00.003+01:00

I have never had a knife pulled on me, found a burglar in my house in the middle of the night, or even broken a bone in my body. In fact, nothing bad has ever happened to me. Whereas you’d be inclined to think that’s ‘a good thing’, one look at this picture of me on a rollercoaster is enough to convince you otherwise. See, whilst other people know the intense, nauseating pain of breaking a leg, or the bowel-wrenching horror of discovering your house has been broken into I have, hitherto, lived a fairly cosseted life. The most frightening thing that has ever happened to me in my formative years was wearing white swimming shorts on a school trip to the Loire Valley which turned see-through in water. My tolerance level for fear was never tested and so has remained unnaturally low. The result being that I am now, and forever will be, a complete pussy.

You only need to look at the other people in the picture to realize that I wasn’t in such a dangerous situation as I appear. My friend Ben, sitting next to me, is a good bit more ‘streetwise’ – to the point that he probably doesn’t say words like 'streetwise'. He didn’t even flinch on Saw (I saw the picture and even watched the video). He is so completely lacking in respect for the power of this ride to frighten him that he’s flicking the V’s at it. And the guy in front – although you can’t see his whole outfit, you can see enough to tell he’s wearing a full tracksuit. He’s not going to be a stranger to the old ‘fight or flight’ scenario. Indeed, he’s so used to far more dangerous situations that he’s comfortable enough to cheer away quite happily with both hands in the air. And he was on the front row.

No, I’m afraid my central nervous system is nowhere near as robust as I might want it to be. Hard as I try, I’m now hardwired to become completely terrified at the drop of a hat. Should I ever encounter something that is genuinely truly fatally scary, like being woken up at gunpoint by a leprotic rapist, I can’t even imagine how I might react. I think it could only rank as being so infinitely off my scale of fear that it would in fact turn negative and leave me cool as a cucumber and not the least bit panicked. Either that or I’d just piss my pants.

Annual Seal Hull Cunt

2009-07-06T11:29:00.000+01:00

Now I'd be the first person to

2009-06-18T19:15:00.003+01:00

tell you how shit 2pac is, and all the rest of it... But I'm also not too big to admit that sometimes I might be wrong - see I really do like a lot of the stuff on this album.

Probably because there's tons of other guys on there so you don't get too bored of hearing about 2pac's contradictory bullshit about how he hates bitches / loves and respects his mum and all women; is a horrible thug / really a sweet and innocent guy, etc, etc.

2pac - Thug Life (Mediafire download) Stolen from this blog, which is ace.

While I'm at it, these 2pac songs are really good too:

2pac - How do you want it (Right-click to download)

2pac - Temptations (Right-click to download)

Working in a Call Centre

2009-06-18T14:24:00.002+01:00

About 7 years ago I spent a summer working in a Call Centre, which was definitely the lowest moment of my life. Tedious is not the word. Each call lasted about 20 minutes and I had to reel through dozens of screens of text and repeat the same words verbatim over and over again. One time I tried to spice things up a bit and and said things like 'hello' instead of 'good afternoon', but the manager was monitoring me and he went ape shit. I've never been bollocked for a more meaningless reason in my life.

Luckily there was another guy working there who was really sound and together we slowly but surely brought down the morale of the whole team. To try to break the monotony we made sure to play as many games as you can imagine you can play while reading a script aloud for 9 hours a day. One of my favourites was 'Consequences' - a trusted classic from the timekiller's arsenal - where you each take it in turns to draw a section of someone's body (in our case 5 seperate sections), taking great care to hide what has already been drawn and once finished, unfold it to see the comical results.

The thing is, when you start off everyone keeps on drawing Hitler or a dead whore over and over again, which is never doesn't look all that original. But... when you get the balance of irrelevant sections right... FANTASTIC!!

This is one that I saved and just found in a shoebox. I don't mean to be big-headed, but I think it's perfect. If I remember correctly we actually stopped playing Consequences after this effort because we knew it would never be beaten.

Oh, and on the back of it was a list that we made of every person we had to call who had a 'funny' answer machine message. Bare in mind this was 7 years ago, so the people behind these numbers might have grown up a little bit and changed their voicemail... Or, they might have changed it to something even funnier! Why not ring up and see?

Fucking The Future

2009-06-18T00:22:00.003+01:00

NEW BLOG ALERT.

Well, actually I think I might be kinda late on the uptake. Who knows. Fucking the Future is a place where people write want they want but you don't know who has written what (if that makes sense). In fact, a better way of phrasing that is to say that all posts are 'anonymous', even to the community of bloggers who contribute. So expect it to be full of saucy secrets and corporate whistleblowing.... Get the Bookmark in now to watch as it develops.

Quite possibly, a very biased website

2009-06-17T17:30:00.015+01:00

All this fuss about Twitter and Youtube being the new vehicles that are going to deliver the next Iranian revolution really whipped me up into a frenzy today and I spent a large portion of time watching videos of people on marches; suffering abuse at the hands of authorities. It's all quite exciting stuff, and would be fascinating to watch unfold live on YouTube if a revolution did really happen. Not least to see the inevitable Gil Scott-Heron song quickly rushed out as he tries to find a political phrase that rhymes with YouTube.

After a bit more time on the web I came across this site called barenakedislam, and specifically this article. At first I wasn't too sure what the site was all about, the article was really long so I just read the captions on the photos. Stuff like this is ambiguous enough..

But stuff like this made me feel like I should probably start deleting my internet history:

If anything it was surprising to see that the retards who normally just post ill-informed, hateful comments under articles actually seem to have set up a website for themselves. I was keen to see what these folks could possibly leave underneath as comments now - Would they still slag everything off? Would they begin to comment on parts of the article, quoting sections, and take issue with the author's stance?? The results were surprisingly predictable:

...Not quite sure where this guy was going with his point. I think he is basing his whole arguement (which is, at best sketchy) on the idea that anyone who has a gun and a holster must be the same person..? I don't reckon that kind of logic would stand up in court.

REALLY? You think this website is 'too PC gone mad' for you?? What the fuck kind of opinions do you hold??

Yeah Frank, bring all your racist fucking idiot friends over to read barenakedislam, I genuinely do want to hear what kind of stuff you're going to say (I honestly would love to hear it).

Ha Ha!! Oh Shit!! Please - stop it - you're killing me!! HA!! First, he hits us with the 'pack of bacons', and then the almost mythological story about 'msulims' having their heads filled with pigshit... That is just too good. I hope this is one of Frank's friends. If it isn't, I'm half-tempted to think it's a hoax from a saboteur trying to ruin the otherwise high-minded level of debate that occurrs on the site.

Well... Not really much humour to be found in this comment. Guess this must be Frank's more militant friend.

Best Soundtrack, like, EVER

2009-06-15T14:13:00.002+01:00

Just rewatching Scarface. The soundtrack is soooooo sick. I guess all the songs are made exclusively for the film because they all sound the same - but I could listen to these songs all day long. The one with Blondie singing 'Rush rush get the yayo, Buzz Buzz give me yayo' is a particular favourite.

Scarface - Original Soundtrack (Rapid share download)

1. Scarface (Push It To The Limit)
2. Rush Rush
3. Turn Out The Light
4. Vamos A Bailar
5. Tony’s Theme
6. She’s On Fire
7. Shake It Up
8. Dance Dance Dance
9. I’m Hot Tonight
10. Gina’s And Elvira’s Theme

Password:MasterZ

Beavis and Butt-Head

2009-06-15T13:00:00.006+01:00

About 6 months ago I had the mother of all hangovers and after about 2 hours sleep woke up with a hankering to buy some DVDs. Taking the bus rather than the tube to Oxford Circus was just the first of many bad decisions I was about to make.

For some reason I thought it was a good idea to drop over £100 on a selection of DVDs that I would NEVER watch... Amongst other things it seemed essential to buy every episode of Ren and Stimpy that has ever existed, both series of The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer (not the far superior Bang Bang It's Reeves and Mortimer - which is is like wandering through the mind of a clinically insane Aborigine), a factual film from 1953 about a Leicester-based biscuit factory who take a daytrip to London, and every episode of Beavis & Butt-Head that ever existed.

Despite each sketch only being about 4 minutes long, the Beavis and Butt-head anthology is surprisingly hard to wade through. Without the distraction of the rock videos that the couple watched on the actual MTV show, the DVD is just a series of one-off banal events that are surprisingly predictable. Watching more than 3 sketches in one sitting is more than enough motivation to turn off the TV and do something productive with your day.

If this is making you feel at all nostalgic about the good old days of MTV, I'd definitely suggest you download and listen to this Beavis and Butt-head album rather than rewatch old episodes. See, as it has real bands involved in the sketches and real songs, it keeps Beavis and Butt-head as the sideshow to the entertainment which they always were in the original cartoon series and takes the pressure off their (albeit funny) repetitive jokes.

Beavis & Butt-Head Experience (Mediafire Download)

"I Hate Myself and Want to Die" (Nirvana)
"Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun" (Beastie Boys Cover) (Anthrax)
"Come to Butt-Head" (Beavis and Butt-Head (Mike Judge))
"99 Ways to Die" (Megadeth)
"Bounce" (Run DMC)
"Deuces Are Wild" (Aerosmith)
"I Am Hell" (White Zombie)
"Poetry and Prose" (Primus)
"Monsta Mack" (Sir Mix-a-Lot)
"Search and Destroy" (The Stooges cover) (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
"Mental Masturbation" (Jackyl)
"I Got You Babe" (Cher with Beavis and Butt-Head (Mike Judge))
"Come to Butt-Head (reprise)" (Positive K with Beavis and Butt-Head (Mike Judge)) (hidden track)

DEFINITION OF THE BEST SUMMER EVER!

2009-06-11T16:37:00.000+01:00

(I'm back bitches)

You won't see this on T4 on Sunday morning

2009-06-08T12:08:00.001+01:00

Give that Girl Some CHANGE!!

"Two Words Two Words Two Words..

2009-06-08T11:36:00.003+01:00

.. That's Wetgrooves."

Which is actually one word (the way you're spelling it Fuckface). Winter Music Conference must suck so much if this guy is deemed to be worth talking to that I don't even want to think about it.

And on the same TV network (A3), you can relive any shit party you've ever been to by watching "The Fabulous 300" party their New Years Eve away and pretending they're half their age. Or in the case of the guy who makes out that he lives only for booze and chicks - not a raving homosexual.

If America really wants to solve its immigration problem, they should stop their current policy of retina and fingerprint scans on entry, coastguards securing Mexican borders, and save themselves a few quid by just showing these videos on loop upon entry to the country. Even the poorest little Latin immigrant would turn away in disgust.

They could even use them to combat Cocaine smugglers. If the drug barons knew that the Cocaine they grow is responsible for tragic parties like these, they would surely starve the supply overnight to wipe wank parties like these from the face of the earth.

Song of the Day

2009-06-04T14:45:00.002+01:00

The Gap Band - You Dropped a Bomb on me (Right-Click to save)

Suuuuuuuch a chooooooon!!

Fed up with not having a headache?

2009-06-04T14:43:00.001+01:00

Bored with people thinking you're busy at work?

Try this out for size...

By the way

2009-06-01T18:32:00.003+01:00

This is the fucking most obvious fake stunt i've ever seen. Of course, we all know he was meant to get caught in the harness and fall down. But with his legs completely around Eminem's face?? And his arse crack so perfectly placed in front of Slim?? Not bloody likely. There's no way he wouldn't have just batted his legs away or ducked if he was really that bothered.

Still looking forward to the movie though.

Crooked Celebs

2009-06-01T18:23:00.006+01:00

I thought I was pretty up on celebrity freakshows until I came across this list. Turns out Halle Berry has a 6th toe, which I'd presumed I'd know about, and Seal's facial scars are just a skin complaint rather than an acidic burn or anything. Oh, and that hot Bond Girl from Casino Royale was born with 12 fingers.

And they talk about Lily Allen having 3 nipples as if the whole world's bored hearing about it... Sorry, am I the only person who didn't know that?

Still would.

Baggy Trousers

2009-06-01T14:03:00.004+01:00

If I had £55 in my pocket and it was a toss-up between these and some Levi 501s, I'd be hard pressed to say which pair I'd get more wear out of... These just look so comfortable. Look how small his waist is, the ankles would be huge on a pair of 34"s for me.

Woah, just like buses

2009-05-26T18:30:00.005+01:00

You wait for a post for a whole week, and then two come along at once. Except that it's not just two posts, but two posts stolen from the pages of the Daily Mail... What can I say, I've become really conservative since I left London for Kent.

Anyways, the Daily Mail website is a must-see every day because in amongst the 'normal' news stories they cover, they are also guaranteed to host some ludicrous excuse for a news story, just so that they can squeeze in some saucy pics of girls in bikinis. All still written in a 'Oh, lord, this is what other newspapers are writing about, so you'll need to know what all your trashy friends are talking about when you see them, but really this is kind of thing is abhorrent...' kind of way. They always include fairly racey pictures so that the olg fogies who subscribe to the shitsheet will get their kicks and continue to buy it.

For example, this story, which is basically just centred around a photo of Sonia from Eastenders riding a horse, only you can see a bit of unwanted cleavage... Or this story, which you're unlikely to see on the Channel 4 News.

The crux of the issue seems to be that a couple of girls (20 and 28) who act in soaps are wearing bikinis in a swimming pool. All urgent stuff, I'm sure you agree.

Anyway, Imagine the shock of a nation when millions of old men took to the Daily Mail to have a look at some lythe young flesh in action and were caught out by this article. Thankfully they have made care to dampen the arrousal by blurring out the faces of the girls involved, but it really is quite an odd concept that someone has come up with - to create a beauty contest for slutty 'tweenage' girls and then putting their full names, home towns, bra sizes, 'vital stats', and photos on the internet... Pretty fucking weird. Take this lass, 13 years old, and frighteningly looks to be in her mid 20s.

Maybe it's just a clever ruse by the paper to incriminate the pervy parts of its readership who are obviously then going to flick through the majority of the site... Best avoid it in case your name and mugshot appear on the front of tomorrow's issue.

And don't go bookmarking it for later, by the way.

I think it was time...

2009-05-26T18:12:00.002+01:00

...to leave home a looooooong time ago.

When your mum looks like a poorly stitched sock puppet, and has paid £45k to look like it, you've got to start questioning her judgement.

If you didn't need more of a wake-up call to get your life in order, you could always pose for a picture in the Daily Mail where somehow, you look exactly like her. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

If I were her, I'd salvage what I could to support a new life on the streets. I reckon her boobs must be about £5k each. You could slice both those puppies off in her sleep and leave home ten grand richer. Ta-Da! No more fear that you are rapidly following in the footsteps of the worst female icons ever.

Viz artwork

2009-05-19T08:39:00.000+01:00

Cracks me up. But still not enough to pay the prices on vizartwork.co.uk

Obamafingers

2009-05-17T18:39:00.002+01:00

I hope I can still Rock

2009-05-17T18:37:00.002+01:00

Like this when I'm 62...

Neil Young - Dirty Old Man (Click to download from Mediafire)

From his 2007 album Chrome Dreams II.

It's a Boy Thing

2009-05-16T08:24:00.009+01:00

If a girl looks awkward it's only because she's being all sweet and coquettish. It takes a boy to look truly awkward. Check out Ronaldo here when he spots a team mate's erection: (relax, just play the clip it's only about 3 seconds long):

Or some of these awkward family photos:

The main reason why it's only boys who can really look awkward is because girls have nothing to be scared about in their appearance. Worst case scenario is that they might have tucked their skirt into their pants or that they might be standing by themselves. Frankly these are only going to appeal to the predatory instincts of men and make the girl look even hotter. However, boys always have one fear in their minds. That they'll get busted in public rocking one of these...

There is no dignity to be salvaged from being seen with a boner in public.

"DON'T LOOK AT MEEEE!!!!!"

(thanks to Kat and Anonymous)

What a Perfect Day

2009-05-12T23:01:00.003+01:00

So, ATP was fantastic fun. I think this video just about sums up the Saturday. Izzy convinced a guy to bring his mum's car in front of the chalet so we could have a better soundsystem (this was at 7am). The guy helpfully obliged, but quickly regretted his decision after he found himself doing this:
the best bit is when he says 'my mum's going to kill me' and then gets on the roof and starts dancing. and also when Caius says "do the robot" and he does.

Despite the journey back involving breaking fown four times, and about 2/3 hours of waiting for the RAC to tow me only to within 50 miles of my home, and a subsequent 3 train journeys, when this song came on my ipod everything seemed alright.

Todd Lundgren - I saw the light (Right-click to save)

"Oh Wo Oh, The Sweetest Thing..."

2009-05-07T13:18:00.003+01:00

Hsing Hsing and Ling Ling, the Chinese pandas gifted to the USA in the 90s during the act of love. They might be pandas, but it still feels very intrusive to look at them.

Latin American Religious Relics

2009-05-06T18:28:00.004+01:00

Are way better than the rest of the world's. Especially when you find them on griddles at local restaurants. Ok, the bit on the right isn't a great resemblance of the Virgin Mary, but the bit on the left... Fuck, that's absolutely amazing.

Ps, I think I'd break down in tears and refuse to clean the griddle if I had to do that everyday, regardless of if there was a vision of Mary in front of me or not.

Shirts Off Crew, Intl.

2009-05-06T18:18:00.003+01:00

Contrary to what you heard Shirts Off Crew really is a global team. Fans Worldwide baby. Pretty Necro / Hot stuff. Look out for some appearances across the Dorset area this weekend.

GetMe! v Noodles&Broth on Friday Night

2009-05-06T18:08:00.002+01:00

I'll be off to ATP, but Noodles&Broth mans dem will be at the Old Blue Last playing music. Rumours are that it will also see the return of Knowledge God in the downstairs bar with Johnny Rockwell, baby.

Rad skateboard

2009-05-06T07:25:00.000+01:00

IPHONE APP

2009-05-03T14:33:00.003+01:00

technology has advanced but we have not grown up.

Funkyzeit

2009-05-01T15:42:00.002+01:00

Old Ali G is sooo good, it's pretty anoying that when all the DVDs came out when i was at school i didn't buy any because i was pissed off that it was popular.

Still, the new Bruno movie is going to be coming put soon, and i bet it'll be really funny. The bit where's chained up with a man looking for a locksmith in this trailer looks brilliant.

Bruno Official Trailer (R-rated!)

Some favourite quotes:

"So I can still admire another man's penis in the shower, but the moment I put it in my mouth some sort of line has been crossed?"

"So I can still admire another man's penis in the shower, but the moment I put it in my mouth some sort of line has been crossed?"

"Why don't you just put them on trains and send them to a camp and say bye-bye?"

OMFG. As if MBTs and Sketchers weren't bad enough...

2009-04-30T17:38:00.005+01:00

Once upon a time I thought that Sketchers were the worst shoes I've ever seen in the world, and just couldnt understand why girls and European men insisted upon wearing them. Then I realised that people like Christina Aguilera are paid millions of pounds to feature in expensive ad campaigns for them.

So I thought 'oh, ok, i suppose advertising can be persuasive and people can get caught up in a moment or whatever, so I can accept that it's ok for people to fall for it all and end up buying a pair of these shitty things'.

But then I saw MBTs.

I laughed so much when I saw them in a shop window near Carnaby Street that when I started to walk into the shop to see how much they were, the Security Guard moved in front of me to block my access. I've still no idea how much they cost but I presume it can't be any more than £20 or something like that. I mean, people look so ridiculous when they wear them. Who would pay money to look like that.

However, Maybe it's because there are 3 Friday 13th's this year, or maybe because the planets were in a certain alignment at some stage, but incredibly, we have now ended up with certifiably, THE worst pair of shoes ever. Sketchers have decided to make their own version of the MBTs. That's right, Sketchers saw a pair of orthopedic shoes and thought - 'What a great idea, they look fantastic! Let's jump on this bandwagon...'

So, if you think you have a shred of dignity about you and wish to surrender it, these are the perfect shoes for you...

Seriously

2009-04-24T17:50:00.001+01:00

Eric Cantona advertised Renault these days?? WTF?

John Lennon's Jukebox

2009-04-23T15:32:00.002+01:00

These are some of the songs that were in John Lennon's portable Jukebox back in the 60s. He talks a bit about them in these videos too.

NEW FAVOURITE WEBSITE

2009-04-23T15:11:00.001+01:00

HERE (the answers people leave are stupid but the pictures are brilliant)

Papal Breaking

2009-04-22T19:04:00.001+01:00

This is like explaining to your great uncle what funky house is.

YouTube Break

2009-04-22T13:20:00.002+01:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Whereas most Youtube videos get stale pretty quickly. These guys' sincerity make this whole thing watchable.

Similar vain, and also very good. Thank you Bruno and Danielle.

Asher Roth

2009-04-22T09:28:00.002+01:00

This song makes me sooooo glad i didn't go to 'College' in America. If this and Crazy Town are what's popular over there, I'd rather have the Baywatch themetune any day of the week.

Balkan Diary, Part 4: Sarajevo

2009-04-21T17:40:00.003+01:00

Heading to Sarajevo was a little difficult, as the Serbs and Bosnians still have a little bit of bad blood between one another. The most frustrating aspect of this is that no one has seen fit to erect road signs or any sort of aides to direct you around Bosnia since the war ended, so we drove fairly blindly around mountains and rubbish dumps until we eventually got near Sarajevo where a few signs started popping up.

After just 10 minutes of driving through the city centre and seeing that every building was either a Mosque or a Church we knew we weren’t in for a storming night. Everyone seemed quite serious and we didn’t garner any smiles as we sat and drank in the park.

Anyone we’d spoken to recommended we go to ‘Cheers’, a theme bar based on the TV series. It was awful so decided to disregard the advice of anyone who could speak English from here on in. Thinking that students knew how to party we went to the student club, Sloga. It was literally heaving, with what looked like every young person in Sarajevo there. But I don’t think people in Sarajevo are very used to having fun so understandably had a pretty low threshold of what was enjoyable. They’d all turned out to see what must be one of the worst bands in the whole Balkan region.

They had 3 guitarists and played bangers like ‘Always look on the Brightside of Life,’ and ‘Sweet Child of Mine’. People were losing their shit to these awful renditions of what are rubbish songs to begin with. The people were quite friendly, but were also trying to sell us crack cocaine, which I think even if I had have taken, I would still not have enjoyed myself.

The next day we went for a walk about. It seems JME has set up a travel agents over there.

People will worship anything in Sarajevo. This was the Holy Temple of the Regular Bloke (thanks Gabe).

We realized that we were getting some disagreeable looks from people in Serbia and Bosnia because our car had Croatian plates, so we drew a smiley face on the bonnet to let them know we were friendly guys.

There was nothing to buy in the whole city – all the clothes and DVDs were bad fakes and the selection of food was dire, we had a donner kebab for breakfast (which was actually gorgeous) or this dish

of bread, raw onions, and little dog poo shaped pieces of meat that tasted like Birds Eye frozen beefburgers and looked so much like dog poo we took them out in the street to put them back in their natural environment.

They might all be devoutly religious here, but at least they still enjoy a bit of bawdy humour.

Waiting in an airport for 5 hours is never easy, and after 14 whole days in the company of just one other person, we’d exhausted most traditional avenues of conversation. We decided to spice things up by having a drawing competition. Things started off tame with simple drawings of pandas but soon escalated into drawings of each other raping dogs.

I'd like to think I won.

Balkan Diary, Part 3: Belgrade

2009-04-21T17:21:00.002+01:00

Our Lonely Planet’s description began, ‘Belgrade is not a beautiful City’, and they really weren’t joking.

Not since Crunk-czar has there been a genre with such an amazing name as Turbo-Folk. But despite the promise of weekly shootings, gang violence and slutty girls, we found Turbo-Folk to actually be surprisingly like a night out in a posh nightclub in Essex. Getting in was the normal story of velvet ropes, guest lists and guys in suits taking your coat. The bar was table service only, and the clientele was strictly middle-aged men and ropey looking women pretending to be in their teens. The music was far from anything as exciting as I had imagined. It seems when they prefixed ‘Folk’ with ‘Turbo’, they didn’t mean ‘wrecklessly fast gabba techno beat’s like I had imagined, but what they really meant was ‘cheesy European pop music’. After half an hour a band came on stage so we thought it might pick up. Instead the lead singer was wearing a suit with a skinny tie and started singing Robbie Williams’ “I just wanna feel real love”. We left.

The next club we went to, Stefan Braun, was at the top of a skyscraper and had metal detectors on the door so looked a bit more serious. In actuality, it was home to exactly the kind of club you imagine Russian hookers go to on their night off; almost everyone was wearing white trousers.. When the bar girls weren’t selling bottles of beer for £4, they would get on the bar and dance while guys took photos of them and compared cameras.

A massive guy got on the bar too and sprayed 5-feet canisters of gas all over the room. I have no idea what it was, but it felt like we were in the gay steel mill from The Simpsons, except it full of lecherous straight men. In fact, the last Gay Pride march in Belgrade had to be abandoned because so many people turned up to beat up those on the march, so I don’t think the people of Belgrade would be keen on that comparison.

The Military Museums are where things really picked up. They had some very gnarly stuff on show from the 1999 conflict with NATO including a machete with (rather a lot of) traces of human blood,

a razor wire string to torture people with,

the uniform of a captured US soldier,

the rear wing tip of a shot down fighter jet, and the full cockpit of the Stealth bomber that was shot down.

The next day was the Belgrade derby which despite the threatening swastikas sprayed all over the toilets and heavy duty riot police was home to some of the best choreographed football hooligans I’ve ever seen.

From sneaking around the pitch to steal each other’s banners, having a man on scaffolding directing the crowd over loudspeakers throughout the whole game and setting off dozens of flares at exactly the same time,

the almost camp guys in Oakleys and tight stonewashed denim really put on a good show. The best bit was once they'd finished singing a song, all the (real) fans took their shirts off and threw them in the air. Shirts Off Crew Belgrade!!

Balkan Diary, Part 2: Zagreb

2009-04-21T17:13:00.002+01:00

Zagreb didn’t have much in the way of nightlife that we could see and anyone we spoke to only recommended shit bars full of Australians so when we heard that all the local youngsters were off to ‘Turbo-Folk’ parties we thought that might spice things up a bit. When anyone we asked about the scene told us how dangerous these night were and pleaded with us not to go we got even more excited and decided to cut our loses in Zagreb and go to a night in the home of Turbo-Folk, Belgrade.

As we would find out on the way to Belgrade, and for the rest of our travels, the most obvious difference between the ethnic groups that we could see is that Bosnians and Serbs love to set fire to plastic by the side of roads.

Croats on the other hand prefer to set fire to cars.

Balkan Diary, Part 1: Ljubljana

2009-04-21T12:03:00.002+01:00

Having recently become unemployed, I’ve found myself watching a lot of TV recently, in particular Top Gear, so I quite fancied the idea of going on a driving holiday, maybe to California. However, having recently become unemployed it seemed more realistic to go driving around Eastern Europe instead; in particular, the Balkans. I took a camera with me so you can feel as if you came too. Hold on to your seats and let’s go!!

First stop, Ljubjlana
First thing to learn is that Eastern Europeans are total whores for brands. As if Audi wasn’t enough of a global brand, this guy customized his £30,000 car to make it look like a fake Reebok X Burton collaboration from Chinese eBay. I hope he doesn’t regret it.

Any thoughts we had that Eastern Europe was going to be cheap were quickly dashed when we saw the window display at Cyberdog.

Whilst Cyberdog may now just be the preserve of Hard house losers and ‘nutters’ in Britain, in Slovenia it’s big news with people (presumably) willing to piss away €420 on natty disco ball / shorts combos like this one. Hopefully they won’t regret it…

Eschewing the numerous restaurants designed for middle-aged couples we decided to go to a party that was described to us as ‘underground’. The helpful girl even circled it’s location on our map - a car park. Amped at the idea of going to a rave so quickly into our trip we were pretty worried when we couldn’t hear any music when we got to the car park.

Realising she must have meant underground as in underground car park, we explored its lower levels for quite a while, but to no avail, eventually giving up and heading home only to find the real party was just around the corner.

Confirming a passion for snappy dressing, when this guy came into the party it was like the Fonz had just walked in.

Literally every single girl was totally on his jock and started dancing with him. The DJs played nu jazz all night, so the girls must have really liked him to be dancing to it.

Ljubljana’s residents obviously enjoy a good joke as much as Londond’s Real Gold Crew, these pictures of Fritzl as a ‘Family Man’ were sprayed all over the city.

Due to the high number of young men who died fighting in the Balkans, the women started to forget what penises looked like, so decided to erect metallic penises all over the region and use them as doorstops.

Eastern Europeans have completely gotten over hating the whole ‘commercial hip hop thing and embraced it for what it is. It’s so commercial out in Slovenia that Hip Hop even operates its own petrol stations.

I couldn’t see Russell Simmons in there, but I imagine he’s a right areshole and won’t let anyone have cashback.

This is James posing in front of some real ‘old skool’ graffiti. Really sticking it to those commercial-ass fools in Hip Hop who sold out.

And me eating a horse burger. Which was so disgusting it ruined the rest of the day.

The Double Bluff

2009-04-21T11:08:00.003+01:00

If any sex offenders out there feel a little bit bored with pretending to the whole world that they're not in fact a molesterer / rapist / flasher you could probably do worse than dip your toe in to the water of psychology by trying the old 'Double Bluff'.

By wearing this t-shirt and pretending to have your dick poking out your jeans, people will be so put at ease with your obvious humour that the fact you actually want to fiddle / bugger / scare them will be the last thing on their mind. Voila, easy access.

BIRTHDAY VIBES

2009-04-21T07:49:00.003+01:00

Friday is my birthday and will be partying at the Globe for GetMe!

Saturday is my brother's birthday so will be partying with him (everyone invited) at the White Swan in Euston.

Come!

420 Day!!! Light that Shit up..

2009-04-20T15:47:00.004+01:00

Of course, there'll be no need to tell all you weedheads (or maybe you'll be too stoned, rofl!) but today is 420 day, or the 20th April.

I'm not sure why no one knows what it is in Britain, but it seems to be a huge deal in America. I guess maybe because in Britain any person over the age of 18 who talks about smoking weed is automatically ignored by everyone within earshot.

To sum it up for you, 420 seems to be a 'catchphrase' in the US that basically means 'i like to smoke weed'. I think the idea was that it was initially a cool underground little phrase that would only be understood by other weedheads (a bit like early Catholics etching fishes above catacombs in Rome), but now they have big parades to promote why cannabis should be legalized (a bit like Mass at Christmas or Easter). This guy thought the phrase itself was funny enough to warrant him blowing the opportunity of winning a ton of duff prizes on The Price is Right.

If you want to read more about it go here. In fact, the most shocking thing I noticed in this article is that it mentions the Editor of High Times magazine in 1998.

Only last week one of my friends sent round a front cover of that very magazine from 1992 with Cypress Hill on the cover, where we all laughed about how impossible it would be to find decent content for such a poorly conceived magazine. Matt even drew up a conversation from the offices of High Times, it went like this:

Editor: “So weed – still illegal?”

Writer: “Yep”

Editor: “Anyone rolled any interesting joint recently?”

Writer: “I made a windmill”

Editor: “You always do. Any feature ideas?”

Writer: “How about ‘Green vs. Hash – the Final Debate’?”

Editor: “I quit”

I feel proud that we can now give that man his real name. Stephen Hager. If anything I think 420 day should be renamed Stephen Hager Day in tribute to how he has managed to find enough cannabis related news to fill an entire magazine every month since at least 1992 until the present day. He must be a surprisingly stressed individual.

Sexy eBay

2009-04-18T16:42:00.005+01:00

This woman is clearly clueless. I mean, who supports West Ham and Man United?? Only a fairweather fan. Oh, and she doesn't even have any trousers on.

Come on Lady, get it together.

The Look Of A Man Who Knows

2009-04-17T16:19:00.003+01:00

That He Is Having The Piss Taken Out Of Him.

(click it to see his eyes more clearly)

I <3 Ginger Beards (no homo)

2009-04-16T16:11:00.007+01:00

No fucking way.

I knew that being a 'late bloomer' in the facial hair puberty stakes wasn't always going to be a walk in the park, but now that I finally have something close to 'a beard' I realise that it's COMPLETELY ginger.

Brilliant, except for one drawback - it marks me out as a member of the Ginger Beard League, a group of gay men who want to command the planet. Guess that must be why Rooney shaved his off long ago.

NLS 2009

2009-04-16T15:59:00.001+01:00

Football tops are OVER. It's all about referee's shirts now.

They even have pockets to put your valuables in.

ARE WE NOT MEN?

2009-04-09T13:00:00.001+01:00

STARFISH HITLER

2009-04-08T12:53:00.002+01:00

I thought a Starfish Hitler was someone who was obsessed with the cleanliness of arseholes. LOLZ

PHONE SEX

2009-04-07T12:55:00.000+01:00

With thanks to Gavin...

HE'S OUT!

2009-04-05T20:10:00.000+01:00

FAST CARS

2009-04-05T10:09:00.002+01:00

Wow!! Aren`t they quick?? Aren`t they fast??! And they pull the HOTTEST girls too!!

The point of these kind of chicks should really be to make the Fast Car lifestyle look sexy and appealing. Instead they only succeed in making me pretty happy I still ride the bus.

DEFINITION OF IRONY

2009-04-01T19:11:00.003+01:00

Is there anything more ironic than a man who was killed by his own shitty driving starring in a safe driving commercial? (and not in the way that Bob Monkhouse did his adverts when he knew it was going to happen).

Sorry it's been so fucking shit for posts here recently, I got a job, Chris has gone mad and grown a beard like Joaquin Phoenix, Bruno is starting a blog about being gay and Matt is still lazy. The glory days will return, we've got a night at the Old Blue in May and another T Shirt coming out too.

Be safe be seen

2009-03-30T22:45:00.000+01:00

Going off round the Balkans for a few weeks as of Wednesday. So might
try to update noodles with a few camera phone shots of what we come
across. Hopefully not too many footbally hooligans who 'earn their
stripes' by raping competitors (like the head of one of the Belgrade
firms).

Anyways, back in Kent for. While and everyone's wearing high vis
jackets. Not sure if I've missed out on a trend or not. Check out this
guy. Hanging with his bird wearing full army fatigues and a high vis
jacket like it ain't no thang.

Good on him.

Lil Wayne

2009-03-29T23:47:00.004+01:00

I'm still not about Twitter but I just found out about this via JME so I guess it's got some value.

Lil Wayne ft. Pharrell - Yes (right-click and 'save target as')

Friendlies

2009-03-27T16:41:00.007Z

England friendlies are shit. Total shit. Always. You might think you care where Gerrard/Lampard/Rooney get played but it doesn't matter because the Keegan will just play Steve Guppy on the left anyway.

At least with muppet-faced Capello in charge there is the prospect of colourful encounters like this one between Capello and Di Canio.

"In 1996, when he was coach to Milan, the future England manager took his club on tour to the Far East. Leading a China XI 1-0 in Beijing, Capello told Di Canio he was replacing him with a midfielder to preserve their advantage. The outraged striker questioned why he found it so important to win what was "only a friendly" and in return received extraordinarily personal insult and a transfer to Celtic.

Di Canio: What the fuck are you doing? You're crazy. You're sick in the head.

Capello: And you're an ugly cunt with a face like a penis."

(via The Independent)

Erection Selection Mix

2009-03-20T11:46:00.004Z

To paraphrase ABBA in Knowing Me, Knowing You... "making love is never easy, i know.."

So to help you guys make the most of the springtime vibe out there at the moment, we've decided to make a mix that will guarantee that should you manage to bring a girl back to your room... well, let's just say you'd better have enough breakfast ingredients for two. Oh yeah!!

DOWNLOAD

Track listing:

Prince – Erotic City
This is to put the idea out there early. Sexy, freaky, bubblin’… O’Real likes to kick things off with this…

Plastic Bertrand – Stop Ou Encore
Ladies love French accents. This’ll give her a talking-point and make sure she thinks you’re super intelligent. Bonne chance!

Wang Chung – Dance Hall Days
Slightly dancey, this one’ll get her swaying her hips, and help build up the sexual tension in the room.

The Hollies – Another Night
Another slowy, but not too slow, and importantly… not too sexy. This is to throw her off the scent. Pretty innocent songs. She’d never guess what you’ve got bubblin away in your mind!!

Steely Dan – FM
Ooh!! You smooth mother funker! Real fun-lovin’ stuff from Steely Dan. Hopefully you’ve been doing your part of the deal up ‘til now and keeping up some good conversation because the next few songs is where things start to get sensual…

LL Cool J ft. Total – Loungin’
If music is the food of love; R&B is the food of making love. The sexy rhythms kick off here. Lean in and drop the hand at this point if you haven’t already done so.

Yvette Michelle – Everynight Everyday
A little more up tempo, just to let her know you might be wanting to go to bed, but you aren’t wanting to go to sleep. Far from it Cowboy!!

Lil Kim – Crush on U (remix)
Playful, cute, this should encourage the to-ing and fro-ing which will surely be happening now.

Teddy Pendergrass – Close The Door
Enough of the R&B, a girl likes to be treated the old fashioned way. This smooth classic should show her you understand the old fashioned skill known as ‘love-making’

The Deele - Shoot em Up Movies
“Bang Bang, Gotcha!” – oh, yeah, shoot it up some more Cowboy!!

Heaven 17 – Temptation
Phew! That was starting to become slow and predictable, exactly what you don’t want to be. Spice up the situation with this steamy, saucy sound. You might also want to ignore/embrace the fact that it’s a gay anthem at this point.

Inner Circle – Sweat
She’ll be glad to hear you don’t take yourself too seriously when she hears this one, just make sure that if she cries out you push it, push it some more, too!!

Serge Gainsbourg – Bonnie and Clyde
Comedy in the bedroom can be useful, but you don’t want to be seen as a joke. This more romantic vibe should set you back on track. It’s all in French, so you don’t have to worry about what they’re saying, just be safe in the knowledge that you are skilled in the language of love. Play on, Play on...

Charme – Gorgy Porgy
If Luther Vandross’ voice alone brings you to climax, then hold your horses and pull out for a while. Otherwise, this 7 minute slice of downtempo disco will provide the perfect rhythm to bring you both off!!

The Charmells – As Long as I’ve Got You
For the rougher lovers out there, this Wu Tang sample will really bring out the C.R.E.A.M. in you!!

Gary Wright – Dream Weaver
You should comfortably be in the throes of ecstasy by this point, so the music is really becoming less and less important. All you want by this stage is a background while you make your own music (!!) so here it is.

Yazoo – Only You
Tender and sincere, just like you.

The Style Council – Long Hot Summer
If you have a cigarette, light that up, you’ll probably be through the home straight now, nothing to do but lie back and bask in this beautiful melody and make some small talk. Mission accomplished.

It's tough being popular

2009-03-20T11:34:00.002Z

I guess it's the quivalent of Google-ing your own name, but if you run a website or something, you might want to check out Alexa.com to see how popular your site is. The top 1,2,3 is Google, Yahoo and Youtube, which I was pretty shocked about. Who uses Yahoo these days??

We're a comparatively lowly 1,411,338. Which sounds shit. But given that Netcraft said there were at least 2,970,000,000 websites 2 years ago, it's actually alright and puts as as more popular than at least 95% of other websites. No one likes a bragger, but, you know, just thought I should mention it...