A Video Game Review. FUCK.

I've spent most of the post Christmas period wanking over my new Ricoh, over-using the slow-flash function, mainly. But the other fantastic gift I was given this Christmas was from my little sister (by little, I mean 23 years old and a successful physiotherapist with a driving license, plans for the future and the respect of her peers, is anyone else being overtaken in life by their more uptight siblings?), she gave me this:


This thing is so cool, it's basically a piece of shit in the shape of a Playstation with a load of 1985-1988 standard video games built in, really early NES games and Commadore 64 games as far as I can gather, but with the names and the graphics changed a bit (they are called game clones and it's weird how that is legal). They all look, give or take a bit, like this:



All the games are pretty good, I took it to my friend's house and we played the tennis game (which is basically the mario tennis game on the NES) for about an hour. On the whole I fucking hate computer games due to some bad experiences earlier last year and I can't pay attention to my own life let alone a video game with a plot and more than three buttons, so these games are as far as I'm prepared to go as far as involvement goes.

The best bit about this whole package, however, is the lengths the producers of the thing have gone to deceive us, the consumers, about this machine's technological capabilities. You see how there's three CDs on the box cover, each with a different genre of games contain within each? Turns out they're not cds at all, they're three different sized bits of plastic that push down a different button inside the console to tell the machine to go to that genre of game. They don't even spin round, what's the point in having them? Why not just have a button? They just wanted us to think that we would get CDs if we bought it, but who cares about CDs? Are people still impressed by CDs? They could have done a lot better if they'd made it look all retro and told us it was a a way of reliving our youth, but they wanted to trick us into thinking we were getting a Playstation for a tenner. Is anyone really that stupid? Actually, I bet someone's gran is, and on Christmas day there were a few looks of thrilled glee turning to bitter, bitter tears upon the unwrapping of this.

Here is a video review by a nerd, paying tribute to a style of video review invented by another nerd who reviews cheap tat. Youtube is awash with this shit/gold. (Shitgold?).



If you like the idea of buying things you read about here but you're not psycho enough to spend fifty quid on a Lego gun, you can get the N-Joypad here. I actually really want someone to buy it so I can talk about how weird and cool it is with them.