Balkan Diary, Part 1: Ljubljana

Having recently become unemployed, I’ve found myself watching a lot of TV recently, in particular Top Gear, so I quite fancied the idea of going on a driving holiday, maybe to California. However, having recently become unemployed it seemed more realistic to go driving around Eastern Europe instead; in particular, the Balkans. I took a camera with me so you can feel as if you came too. Hold on to your seats and let’s go!!

First stop, Ljubjlana
First thing to learn is that Eastern Europeans are total whores for brands. As if Audi wasn’t enough of a global brand, this guy customized his £30,000 car to make it look like a fake Reebok X Burton collaboration from Chinese eBay. I hope he doesn’t regret it.


Any thoughts we had that Eastern Europe was going to be cheap were quickly dashed when we saw the window display at Cyberdog.

Whilst Cyberdog may now just be the preserve of Hard house losers and ‘nutters’ in Britain, in Slovenia it’s big news with people (presumably) willing to piss away €420 on natty disco ball / shorts combos like this one. Hopefully they won’t regret it…

Eschewing the numerous restaurants designed for middle-aged couples we decided to go to a party that was described to us as ‘underground’. The helpful girl even circled it’s location on our map - a car park. Amped at the idea of going to a rave so quickly into our trip we were pretty worried when we couldn’t hear any music when we got to the car park.


Realising she must have meant underground as in underground car park, we explored its lower levels for quite a while, but to no avail, eventually giving up and heading home only to find the real party was just around the corner.

Confirming a passion for snappy dressing, when this guy came into the party it was like the Fonz had just walked in.

Literally every single girl was totally on his jock and started dancing with him. The DJs played nu jazz all night, so the girls must have really liked him to be dancing to it.


Ljubljana’s residents obviously enjoy a good joke as much as Londond’s Real Gold Crew, these pictures of Fritzl as a ‘Family Man’ were sprayed all over the city.

Due to the high number of young men who died fighting in the Balkans, the women started to forget what penises looked like, so decided to erect metallic penises all over the region and use them as doorstops.


Eastern Europeans have completely gotten over hating the whole ‘commercial hip hop thing and embraced it for what it is. It’s so commercial out in Slovenia that Hip Hop even operates its own petrol stations.

I couldn’t see Russell Simmons in there, but I imagine he’s a right areshole and won’t let anyone have cashback.

This is James posing in front of some real ‘old skool’ graffiti. Really sticking it to those commercial-ass fools in Hip Hop who sold out.


And me eating a horse burger. Which was so disgusting it ruined the rest of the day.