Erection Selection Mix

To paraphrase ABBA in Knowing Me, Knowing You... "making love is never easy, i know.."

So to help you guys make the most of the springtime vibe out there at the moment, we've decided to make a mix that will guarantee that should you manage to bring a girl back to your room... well, let's just say you'd better have enough breakfast ingredients for two. Oh yeah!!

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Track listing:

Prince – Erotic City
This is to put the idea out there early. Sexy, freaky, bubblin’… O’Real likes to kick things off with this…

Plastic Bertrand – Stop Ou Encore
Ladies love French accents. This’ll give her a talking-point and make sure she thinks you’re super intelligent. Bonne chance!

Wang Chung – Dance Hall Days
Slightly dancey, this one’ll get her swaying her hips, and help build up the sexual tension in the room.

The Hollies – Another Night
Another slowy, but not too slow, and importantly… not too sexy. This is to throw her off the scent. Pretty innocent songs. She’d never guess what you’ve got bubblin away in your mind!!

Steely Dan – FM
Ooh!! You smooth mother funker! Real fun-lovin’ stuff from Steely Dan. Hopefully you’ve been doing your part of the deal up ‘til now and keeping up some good conversation because the next few songs is where things start to get sensual…

LL Cool J ft. Total – Loungin’
If music is the food of love; R&B is the food of making love. The sexy rhythms kick off here. Lean in and drop the hand at this point if you haven’t already done so.

Yvette Michelle – Everynight Everyday
A little more up tempo, just to let her know you might be wanting to go to bed, but you aren’t wanting to go to sleep. Far from it Cowboy!!

Lil Kim – Crush on U (remix)
Playful, cute, this should encourage the to-ing and fro-ing which will surely be happening now.

Teddy Pendergrass – Close The Door
Enough of the R&B, a girl likes to be treated the old fashioned way. This smooth classic should show her you understand the old fashioned skill known as ‘love-making’

The Deele - Shoot em Up Movies
“Bang Bang, Gotcha!” – oh, yeah, shoot it up some more Cowboy!!

Heaven 17 – Temptation
Phew! That was starting to become slow and predictable, exactly what you don’t want to be. Spice up the situation with this steamy, saucy sound. You might also want to ignore/embrace the fact that it’s a gay anthem at this point.

Inner Circle – Sweat
She’ll be glad to hear you don’t take yourself too seriously when she hears this one, just make sure that if she cries out you push it, push it some more, too!!

Serge Gainsbourg – Bonnie and Clyde
Comedy in the bedroom can be useful, but you don’t want to be seen as a joke. This more romantic vibe should set you back on track. It’s all in French, so you don’t have to worry about what they’re saying, just be safe in the knowledge that you are skilled in the language of love. Play on, Play on...

Charme – Gorgy Porgy
If Luther Vandross’ voice alone brings you to climax, then hold your horses and pull out for a while. Otherwise, this 7 minute slice of downtempo disco will provide the perfect rhythm to bring you both off!!

The Charmells – As Long as I’ve Got You
For the rougher lovers out there, this Wu Tang sample will really bring out the C.R.E.A.M. in you!!

Gary Wright – Dream Weaver
You should comfortably be in the throes of ecstasy by this point, so the music is really becoming less and less important. All you want by this stage is a background while you make your own music (!!) so here it is.

Yazoo – Only You
Tender and sincere, just like you.

The Style Council – Long Hot Summer
If you have a cigarette, light that up, you’ll probably be through the home straight now, nothing to do but lie back and bask in this beautiful melody and make some small talk. Mission accomplished.

Pandas = New Favourite Animal

Forget koala bears, they're yesterday's news. Panda's are my new favourite thing ever. Just look at them.

Also, a few favourite facts from the pages of wikipedia:
Though the Giant Panda is often assumed to be docile, it has been known to attack humans, presumably out of irritation rather than predatory behavior

After mating, the male leaves the female and the mother is alone to raise the cub.

pandas lose their interest in mating once in captivity. This has led some scientists to try extreme methods such as showing pandas videos of mating pandas and giving male pandas Viagra.

The mating season takes place between March and May, when a female goes into her estrous cycle which lasts for 2 or 3 days and only occurs once a year

Copulation time is short, ranging from thirty seconds to five minutes, but the male may mount her repeatedly to ensure successful fertilization

Usually, the female panda gives birth to one or two panda cubs. Since baby pandas are born very small and helpless, they need the mother's undivided attention, so she is able to care for only one of her cubs. She usually abandons one of her cubs, and it dies soon after birth.

Let's Celebrate Advent With Some...

Bucks Fizz!!

This song is a real guilty pleasure. Looking back at Bucks Fizz they were pretty racy. Cheryl Baker doesn't look too bad, and the other one's got some pretty decent pins. The bloke on the left needs to get some trousers with a roomier crotch though. The seam has completely mangled his cock.

Bucks Fizz: The Land of Makebelieve(right-Click to download)

New York: Noodles on Tour

The first thing you notice about New York is how gaudy and outlandish everything is. It's almost a stereotype of itself. People ready do tut and say "God damn" when things go awry. And the people absolutley love New York and anything to do with New York. In clubs when a song comes on by someone from New York everyone freaks and runs for the dancefloor. We were at quite a cool party, and even when they played Ja Rule people were whooping and getting really excited. Clarks obviously tried to cash in on this by releasing the ultimate New York shoe. This combination between Ghostface's love for wallabees and New York's love for jiggy bright colours surely couldn't fail... Except New York isn't quite a stereotype of itself... Note the 'Sale' tags. Ouch. The Police even drive really small cars to prove that not everything over there has to be supersize. It makes them look like they have no authority.


My favourite part about New York is that they have discovered that everyone's favourite food pizza and burgers. So that's all you can buy, and they're the best pizza and burgers in the world.



All this fast food does have one downfall, it makes you shake like junky all day long, but no one there seems to mind. We even saw someone pouring sugar allover their rice and omlette breakfast - it seemed pretty normal. Vibrating like you've a nervous disorder is in fact so desirable that Subway advertise their drinks on the basis it'll make you shake...


Taking a trip to a museum will really make you appreciate being British and having stolen everything important or interesting from the rest of the world throughout history. We went to the Natural History museum and it was fucking bollocks. There was this Arab street scene (note the man on a flying carpet). What credible historian wants to put his name to a museum exhibition that has shit like this in it, really??


Oh, and I believe it's spelt 'Da Nigga' these days...


The feeling of love for London was completely mutual. They love 'the British' out there. I think tattoos like this should be made mandatory throughout the world to remind everyone just how great London is.


Queenie must be huge out there. They even have shrines to him above toilets.


There's something about New York and amazing tattoos. See if you can spot the tattoo here. Free sticker for anyone who can say what it is, too.


Having to tip barstaff for every drink completely blows. You'll find yourself drinking this stuff all the time. It's a complete saviour; sold pretty much all the decent places you want to go, and only $3 a can instead of like $5 for a crappy bottle.


Another expensive thing is accomodation. You'll do well to find yourself a decent room that doesn't look like this, and have dead mice on the floor chewing their legs off whilst stuck on glue traps (i couldn't bring myself to photograph that shit).


We took a trip to Coney Island which was the most depressing place on earth. It's all shutdown and is left with tantalising fairground attractions that, frustratingly, I've only ever seen in old films like this one where you can shoot live human targets.


Also, they've made efforts to offer disabled people a gym on the beach (one of the few public facilities I've ever seen for disabled people), except they really fucked up and put it on the beach, so they have to either learn to walk and wade through the sand to get to it, or spend an eternity wheeling themselves to the chin-up bars. By which time theire probably fucking knackered and won't be able to get home.


Americans have really fucked up adverts, like this one for storage... What the fuck has an anti-abortion protestor got to do with moving flat?


There was an election while we were there and everyone took to the streets. It was pretty cool. If I was Obama, I'd be shitting my pants now though.


The shit in Friends and movies where they talk about New yorkers as being really crazy and doing anything in the park is really true. These guys were skiing. Dude, just wear inline skates??


There must be some marketing agency in New York who really lucked out in landing some big contracts, whilst not knowing what they're doing and then really fucked up the resulting campaigns. As if getting abortions and moving house mixed up wasn't bad enough they made the faux pas of thinking that just cos guys like pussy and eating things they like eating pussy. Sorry, but no dude is going to be conned into buying granola by the idea that it tastes like pussy. I guess it must be targetted at gay guys who already like granola but miss the taste of rimming a good arse in the morning (because Fanny means your arse out there).






... Oh, and there are a lot of Megs in New York.