Diarrhoea

I was walking down the lane
And I felt a funny pain
diarrhoea
diarrhoea

so I went behind a bush
and it came out in a rush
diarrhoea
diarrhoea.

When you're waiting with your mum it come out ya* bum Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

When you're running up the stairs it comes out yer flares Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

It comes down your legs like 2 sweaty eggs Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

It comes out your bum like pedigree chum Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

It shoots out your bum like a bullet from a gun Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

When you come into your home and your pants are full of foam Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

I was running in a race
and I felt some on my face
Diarrhoea
Diarrhoea.

I was sitting in a tree
And it trickled on my knee
Diarrhoea
Diarrhoea.

When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

When you're sliding into second and your shorts are fuller than you've reckoned Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

When you're sliding into third and you feel that gushy turd Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

When you're sliding into home and you feel the warm foam Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

It's thin, it's runny and it isn't very funny Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

It's thin and it's brown and can happen to a clown Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

When you're driving in your Chevy and your pants are getting heavy Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

When you're driving in your Ford and your pants are fulla turd Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

I was walking in the attic and my bum went automatic Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

When yer lyin in yer bed and its runnin down yer leg Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

You can cook it in a pot, you can serve it while its hot Diarrhoea Diarrhoea.

When you're sittin' on a cushion and you really feel it pushin'
Diarrhoea
Diarrhoea

People say it's gross, but it's really nice on toast Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

No pain, no strain, just sit and let it drain Diarrhoea Diarrhoea

I was sitting in my class
When it came out of my arse
Diarrohea
Diarrohea

Teacher wasn't in
So I did it in the bin
Diarrohea
Diarrohea

When she got back
I got a big slap
Diarrohea
Diarrohea

I was climbing up a mountain
When it came out like a fountain
Diarrohea
Diarrohea

Playing at the fair
And I felt a rush of air
Diarrohea
Diarrohea

It's the Method Man, for short 'Mr Meth'

MOVE IT ON YOUR LEFT!!

If I were Method Man, I’d be secretly paranoid that ‘Meth Mouth’ is actually something that drug addicts use to talk about how bad their teeth are, in reference to my own teeth. As it is, I’m pretty sure the phrase has nothing to do with Method Man, and lacks any suggestion that you’ll be able to ‘rap’ really well even after being addicted to hard drugs for several months.

Top 5 Football Jerseys

Hmm, I’m not sure how much I agree with this list, and it’ll probably spur me on to do loads of similar lists of Top 5 English kits of the 80s and crap like that, but anyway, here we go:

5. Germany Home shirt, Italia 90.
I don’t really remember Italia 90 apart from playing with a mini football I’d gotten from McDonalds in the back garden. But I always thought Lothar Mattheus was the best player in the world, and being ‘the Sweeper’ was the coolest position ever. I guess this kit played a large part in those memories.

4. Italy, USA 94.
I’d just been to Rome a few months before this World Cup kicked off, so I was sooo into Italy ahead of this tournament it was untrue. I even bought myself a ‘Forza Italia’ scarf from a street-seller (and only later realized that it was the name of Berlusconi’s right-wing political party). Baggio was probably my favourite player ever. I had the cheap version of those Diadora boots, and always wanted this kit, but never bought it. I’m still hunting down a cheap one on eBay now.

3. Juventus, early 90s.
Again, as a massive Baggio fan I thought this kit was the coolest thing in the world. Danone also seemed to be the Rolls Royce’s of the yoghurt world, and at this stage I’m pretty sure Kappa was a fairly elite brand more in the mould of Lacoste than the pile of shit it quickly degenerated into. Everything about this kit is class.

2. AC Milan, Away kit 93.
I love plain white jerseys for how simple they are, and they always seem so soft to the touch. Like, even if it rained, the material wouldn’t get all horrible and make you feel cold like normal polyester ones, it would still feel like you’d get straight up and do more slide tackles. I didn’t have this kit, but I had the Italy Away shirt from the 98 world cup and it looks like exactly the same material.

1. Holland Home Shirt, Euro 88.
Wow, all of these shirts are from the heyday of football before Nike got involved with their shitty designs of the same kit for every team, but just changing the colours around… I hate that shit. To be honest, I don’t think this is my favourite kit, but I’m a real hypebeast when I gets down to it, so this has got to be top of the list purely because of the goal van Basten scored in it, and also the fact that it goes for about £200 these days.

Oh, and a special mention for anything Eric Cantona ever wore. What a guy.

You Know What They Make You Do In Prison...

That's right bitch, toss the salad

LIKE FAMILY GUY SAID...

...Douchebags have ruined the guitar for the rest of us.

Breakfast

EVENT

Hey look we're promoters now! Come on down, we're doing a meet and greet with the fans, maybe you could print out your favourite post and one of us could sign it. Or we could sign your boobs.

FRIDAY NIGHT

@ PUSH @ (WHAT USED TO BE) BAR RUMBA. FUNBAGS GALORE. GUARANTEED.

ALSO NOODLESANBROTH CREW V GETME! CREW @ OLD BLUE LAST ON THURSDAY NIGHT. BUT THERE'S NO PICTURE FOR THAT ONE.

Sexy Cervix

In case you missed it on Popbitch this week... Here's some handsome pictures of one woman's cervix throughout her menstrual cycle... At least I think that's what it said, I had to click off it so quickly. There's no way i wanted to put one of those pics on here either. Sorry for the lack of relevant decoration. Here's a nice picture of a car on a beach instead.

Link

LOOK AT THIS BURGER

I have been working late in central London for a few weeks, we keep having meat parties like this, it's not doing anything great for my bowels. Have you been here by the way?

"Yeah, Whatever"

Good article from XXL Magazine on Nas' Illmatic album. Worth taking the time to read it. Nicked from here. Click the pic to make it big.

Hey Boys

If you're worried about how big your genitals are, and fearful that they could 'turn off' potential mating partners, then LOOK NO FURTHER. These dick shrivelling thongs are exactly what you need to make even Omar appear to be hung like a Chinese mouse. Just look at this guy. His mahogany plonker is so massive it's drained all the energy from the rest of his body and rendered him pubeless. But you wouldn't think it to look at him here.

Foxy Knoxy Update

Oh, Amanda... Love is all WE need... If only you knew the way that t-shirt slogan makes me feel inside...

"Ive just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the dream weaver train
Driver take away my worries of today
And leave tomorrow behind
Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget todays pain

Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

Though the dawn may be coming soon
There still may be some time
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon
And meet me on the other side

Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light
Dream weaver
Dream weaver
Dream weaver"

Gary Wright - Dream weaver (right click to download)

How to Cook Crack Cocaine

Cos i know you've always wanted to know. (Click on the picture to make it much bigger)

Cliff Knows Wassup

With the Jordan IVs

I have no idea what to make of this Artist...

NIGGA

is it a joke? Why is he such a sleazeball? What is Raggaetron? Why does his unique brand of 'the romantic sound' sound so shit? I know Argentina is far away, but surely someone at his record company had some idea of what words are banned on US and European radio stations? Is the Aregentine Raggaetron scene really so big that they aren't even interested in being able to sell records to the rest of the world??

So many questions left unanswered.

ENOUGH

with the nazi shit already. Let's leave more to blog about for the rest of the year.

I'll try lighten the mood with this nice picture from River Plate playing Boca Juniors. They're playing each other on the 19th April, and I'd fucking love to go. Anyone ever been before? (apart from all the Nazi's who fled Germany after WWII to South America, obviously) Any stories??

Norwegian Nazi Zombies

Potential film poster of the year...



I hope they show this at Rich Mix but they'll probably be showing Slumdog Millionaire all fucking year.

There's a trailer here.

(Nazi Zombies or Zombie Nazis?)

Racist Photography Enthusiast? Then Look No Further

Racist photography enthusiasts are so difficult to buy presents for. For a start, you don’t want to buy them anything too big, or overtly racist, i.e. flags, banners or posters (see below) as they might not want to put them up in their house for everyone to see. So they’ll have to lie to your face and pretend that they have, when in fact all they’ve really done is quickly stuck them up with Blu Tack just before you pop round their house. And genuine photographic equipment can be so expensive.

Surely there’s a way to combine these two niche tastes?? Yes! There is!! Thankfully some kind folk on eBay has created a ‘Hasselblad gollywog’, in fact, they’ve created ten of them and they all come with their own certificate of authenticity to show that they really are ‘Hasselblad golliwogs’!

Thank god, I’d hate to think that some pervert could just sit in their house creating these humerous images of hate without an authentic endorsement from Hasselblad, or the international golliwog foundation…

Nazi School Posters

This cheery little site is host to some slightly disturbing posters that were produced in Germany during the Nazi regime. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised considering they were made to hang in schools, but they're really quite tame and look (from a distance) remarkably like posters in any school these days (apart from the one with a skull on it, never had things like that in my school).

Anyway, they seem to be less about rousing images of Aryan superioty over all other races, and a lot more about disabled people being a waste of time and charts about birth rate and pretty dull things like that. Good to see that school posters were not a great deal more interesting, even then.