I'm not really much of an 'animal person', and i never have been. Never had a pet, and have minimal to no interest in going on safari or in seeing animals at all. The one time I thought I should maybe take more of an interest in animals during a school trip to Howletts Zoo which specialises in monkeys (where a few years earlier one of the workers was ripped apart by one of the monkeys when he went into the cage to feed it). Just beofre we got to lunch, we saw a group of chimps (pretty cool anyway) and it became clear one of them was having a wank. I wasn't too sure what that meant at the time, but I knew even then that it was something i wouldn't want to forget.
Youtube is full of things like this, so here's a few highlights. you may as well watch them cos they're all like 5-10 seconds long. My favourite is this one of a monkey having a blow job. He tries to play it cool and check his nails half way through, but once he comes and it's over, he sheepishly turns round so as not to look the other monkey in the eye. His lust satiated, he enters a moment of clarity and his face is full of guilt, remorse, and fear as he now wonders where this relationship is going given that she likes him a lot more than he likes her.
Rhino
Zebra
and Elephants dicks are all completely disgusting by the way.
And as a soundtrack to this bestial voyeurism, you could do a lot worse than listen to the below Moodymann track 'Freeki Mutha fucka' which is quite erection inducing.
Moodymann - Freeki MF (which i stole off this blog)
Sunday, 11 January 2009
MACHO MACHO MAN
My housemate doesn't like it when I make fun of people and call them fags and things (see below) and thinks I get too macho about stuff, which I think is probably true. I was a sickly child and terrible at sports at school and I've spent much of my adult life compensating for that with hateful comments, beard growth and lack of respect for the women in my life (including my housemate). But look at this guy! He's basically got three dicks! (Or maybe just the two substitute dicks..)
Body Modification is for puffs
I've been looking at Modblog and its parent site, BMEzine, for years, probably since I was about seventeen and first became narcissistic enough to want to 'adorn' my body with 'ink'. Regrettably, I check them both a few times a week to catch up on the latest in 'body art', and am constantly amazed at the new levels of self obsession, attention seeking and vanity that are sunk to every day. The photo below is a pretty great example of how douchebag-y people who submit stuff to these sites are. It is credited to the subject, so imagine the lengths he had to go to, rigging up a camera from a massive tripod or however the fuck he did it, just to get an image of him looking sleepy but sexy and tattooed. Stuff like this is what the word 'fag' was invented for.
The problem is that tattoos have become so gentrified these days that being into them is basically like being into haircuts or shoes, which are totally gay things to be into. Check out this prime cut of homo below, he has 'I CUT HAIR' across his knuckles, and look at how he's cut his Minor Threat shirt to show off his sexy chest. These levels of fruitbaggery are not what Rollins and Mackaye fought the punk rock wars for. I'd like to see this douche punch a cop or eat dogfood rolled up in balls of white bread while on tour, he's probably on the Atkins diet and has a manicurist.
On the other hand, there are still some real men getting tattooed out there -like Mike, below- who are willing to sacrifice any relationship with a woman who doesn't fucking hate herself, just for the sake of being a total fucking scumbag.
The problem is that tattoos have become so gentrified these days that being into them is basically like being into haircuts or shoes, which are totally gay things to be into. Check out this prime cut of homo below, he has 'I CUT HAIR' across his knuckles, and look at how he's cut his Minor Threat shirt to show off his sexy chest. These levels of fruitbaggery are not what Rollins and Mackaye fought the punk rock wars for. I'd like to see this douche punch a cop or eat dogfood rolled up in balls of white bread while on tour, he's probably on the Atkins diet and has a manicurist.
On the other hand, there are still some real men getting tattooed out there -like Mike, below- who are willing to sacrifice any relationship with a woman who doesn't fucking hate herself, just for the sake of being a total fucking scumbag.
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Friday, 9 January 2009
Nerds
The thing about that guy on the bus with Chris is that he's what the majority of fans of any kind of music are like, they're just nerds who got into something that it's ok to be nerdy about. Nerds especially love 'extreme' music like metal or punk because they doth protest too much, and it's as far removed from html coding, BBC programming and gaming in their room that they can possibly get, ideology-wise. You can't hide from the truth though, have you ever met a hardcore kid? They are basically all completely autistic, they can't talk to girls not at all (it's embarrassing introducing your girlfriend to one), they tuck their tshirts in and they love to tie their shoelaces really tight. More proof that metalheads are nerds can be found below as well.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
Self Esteem (pt 2)
the post below reminded me of the Offspring song, Self Esteem (for reasons i shouldn't have to go into). It was a guilty pleasure of mine at the time, as i really liked the song but my only reference point to Offspring was an absolute geek who sat right at the front of my schoolbus who had an Offspring record bag. He dressed like the guys in this 'band photo', ie like a complete fucking dick. So I never wanted to admit that I was into the same sort of stuff as him. Anyway, the songs still really good, but it still makes me think of how much i hate wraparound sunglasses, spikey hair and that kid on the schoolbus. Enjoy.
Offspring - Self Esteem
T-SHIRTS
The Noodles and Broth t-shirts have arrived! They look great and we'll all be selling them over the next few weeks, we're going to do a smoking hot photo shoot first though, so watch this space...
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
RIP Dignity
So, Ron Asheton bought the farm and not only are people fussing and fighting over his guitars already, but Iggy has further danced (in quite a sexually charged fashion, I might add) on his grave by appearing in this car insurance advert.
I know this was filmed months ago, but the timing is obviously pretty bad. Who'd have thought you could say fuck you to the man with car insurance? Err, turns out you can't, grandad. If I was Iggy I'd have this pulled off the air out of respect and if I was short of cash just do another album featuring people from Sum 41, which although totally gross, can be excused on the grounds of being old and out of touch with what music is ok. Car Insurance adverts, however, have never been acceptable to be involved in -he could have just done a World Of Warcraft commercial like Ozzy, but of course Ozzy fucked up his chances of dying with dignity years ago, as we all know. Every rockstar who hits fifty and can't sit in an easy chair in their country pile supping on a hot steaming mug of shut the hell up should be handed the shotgun that Dylan Carlson gave Kurt and be told to do the honourable thing.
Swearing
My family love to swear, at Christmas I said fuck in front of my gran and my aunt even said 'fuck you' to my dad (they don't get along). My sister called my mum a cunt once, which I thought was going a bit too far. My sister loves to swear more than anyone but she swears like my mum, she prefers 'bloody' to 'fucking' and it makes her seem hardy, no nonsense and country, which she is. I don't think anyone in London says 'bloody'.
A brief history of swearing in the last century can be found here, it upsets me that they call Anal Cunt 'The Anal Cunts' and think they're a grunge band though.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Mallet's Mallet
I saw this whiteboard at a houseparty in a house belonging to people I never met before on New Year's Eve. Click on it to enlarge and read. But I'm sure you know that.
What does Travis Bickle have to do with Ghandi? I'd have hit whoever said that on the head with my Mallet.
UPDATE: Apparently they both drove taxis in New York. Who'd have thunk it?
What does Travis Bickle have to do with Ghandi? I'd have hit whoever said that on the head with my Mallet.
UPDATE: Apparently they both drove taxis in New York. Who'd have thunk it?
A Video Game Review. FUCK.
I've spent most of the post Christmas period wanking over my new Ricoh, over-using the slow-flash function, mainly. But the other fantastic gift I was given this Christmas was from my little sister (by little, I mean 23 years old and a successful physiotherapist with a driving license, plans for the future and the respect of her peers, is anyone else being overtaken in life by their more uptight siblings?), she gave me this:
This thing is so cool, it's basically a piece of shit in the shape of a Playstation with a load of 1985-1988 standard video games built in, really early NES games and Commadore 64 games as far as I can gather, but with the names and the graphics changed a bit (they are called game clones and it's weird how that is legal). They all look, give or take a bit, like this:
All the games are pretty good, I took it to my friend's house and we played the tennis game (which is basically the mario tennis game on the NES) for about an hour. On the whole I fucking hate computer games due to some bad experiences earlier last year and I can't pay attention to my own life let alone a video game with a plot and more than three buttons, so these games are as far as I'm prepared to go as far as involvement goes.
The best bit about this whole package, however, is the lengths the producers of the thing have gone to deceive us, the consumers, about this machine's technological capabilities. You see how there's three CDs on the box cover, each with a different genre of games contain within each? Turns out they're not cds at all, they're three different sized bits of plastic that push down a different button inside the console to tell the machine to go to that genre of game. They don't even spin round, what's the point in having them? Why not just have a button? They just wanted us to think that we would get CDs if we bought it, but who cares about CDs? Are people still impressed by CDs? They could have done a lot better if they'd made it look all retro and told us it was a a way of reliving our youth, but they wanted to trick us into thinking we were getting a Playstation for a tenner. Is anyone really that stupid? Actually, I bet someone's gran is, and on Christmas day there were a few looks of thrilled glee turning to bitter, bitter tears upon the unwrapping of this.
Here is a video review by a nerd, paying tribute to a style of video review invented by another nerd who reviews cheap tat. Youtube is awash with this shit/gold. (Shitgold?).
If you like the idea of buying things you read about here but you're not psycho enough to spend fifty quid on a Lego gun, you can get the N-Joypad here. I actually really want someone to buy it so I can talk about how weird and cool it is with them.
This thing is so cool, it's basically a piece of shit in the shape of a Playstation with a load of 1985-1988 standard video games built in, really early NES games and Commadore 64 games as far as I can gather, but with the names and the graphics changed a bit (they are called game clones and it's weird how that is legal). They all look, give or take a bit, like this:
All the games are pretty good, I took it to my friend's house and we played the tennis game (which is basically the mario tennis game on the NES) for about an hour. On the whole I fucking hate computer games due to some bad experiences earlier last year and I can't pay attention to my own life let alone a video game with a plot and more than three buttons, so these games are as far as I'm prepared to go as far as involvement goes.
The best bit about this whole package, however, is the lengths the producers of the thing have gone to deceive us, the consumers, about this machine's technological capabilities. You see how there's three CDs on the box cover, each with a different genre of games contain within each? Turns out they're not cds at all, they're three different sized bits of plastic that push down a different button inside the console to tell the machine to go to that genre of game. They don't even spin round, what's the point in having them? Why not just have a button? They just wanted us to think that we would get CDs if we bought it, but who cares about CDs? Are people still impressed by CDs? They could have done a lot better if they'd made it look all retro and told us it was a a way of reliving our youth, but they wanted to trick us into thinking we were getting a Playstation for a tenner. Is anyone really that stupid? Actually, I bet someone's gran is, and on Christmas day there were a few looks of thrilled glee turning to bitter, bitter tears upon the unwrapping of this.
Here is a video review by a nerd, paying tribute to a style of video review invented by another nerd who reviews cheap tat. Youtube is awash with this shit/gold. (Shitgold?).
If you like the idea of buying things you read about here but you're not psycho enough to spend fifty quid on a Lego gun, you can get the N-Joypad here. I actually really want someone to buy it so I can talk about how weird and cool it is with them.
Monday, 5 January 2009
Mischa Barton Upskirt
In case you haven't guessed, Mischa Barton is a bit of a favourite here, so I was overjoyed to see the above upskirt photo of Meesh on the Arab Parrot. Fantastic stuff. It goes to prove you can trust that if we tell you someone has a chubby arse, they probably do.
The flash is rather unforgiving.
Supergroup me, please
No one wants to hear yet another Oasis album, and the only people excited about Blur playing a concert in the summer are probably well into their 30s by now and think the Ting Tings are a pretty exciting act.
So why haven't all the best people from bands of yesteryear gotten together to form a Superband? It happened all the time 30 years ago - Wings, Cream, Emerson Lake & Palmer and the Traveling Wilburys...
Much like Man City bringing in a collection of the best talent in the world to play in the one team, the results can be pretty sketchy, but when it goes well the results are amazing.
With a lineup of George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and Roy Orbison they were always gonna release a couple of decent numbers. Check out these two:
Traveling Wilburys - Handle with Care
Traveling Wilburys - End of the Line (Extended Mix)
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Friday, 2 January 2009
Top Fancy Dress Moments of 2008
I guess I'm pretty late on the 'Top 10...' list thing of last year. But for me 2008 was a year made most memorable not by the big stories of America electing a Black Man, or the world's financial institutions falling to their knees, but by the amount of Fancy Dress Parties I went to (I'd never been to one before this year) and the quality of outfits worn.
I think it would make the world a better place if people made an effort to make 2009 the year of sporadically dressing in 'Fancy Dress' regardless of the occasion or even if others will also be in Fancy Dress. There were a few trend setters of this last year; those who took it upon themselves to 'Dress Up' when the occasion probably didn't warrant it:
My favourite was this effort by Gabriel, who was abused for being Jewish walking down the street in Soho (he's not Jewish, but i guess they must have seen his beard and jumped to the conclusion...) so he took it upon himself to dress as 'kosher' as possible:
As a Yang to this Ying, there was also a huge number of swastikas drawn on friends as they slept. This one is just a drop in the ocean.
Shirts Off, alongside general nudity was also a big feature of the year. One of my faves:
I also realised the reason why American sports involve wearing so many over-the-top 'uniforms'... Because playing sports in a ton of dedicated gear makes it about a million times more fun. It even made cricket seem exciting.
Wedgies are still fun, especially when you're wearing pink pants (and especially so if the last time you wore them you got lucky and got a girl back to your bed, and then when she saw the pink pants she said "what the fuck or those?", put her clothes back on and left your flat).
I think it would make the world a better place if people made an effort to make 2009 the year of sporadically dressing in 'Fancy Dress' regardless of the occasion or even if others will also be in Fancy Dress. There were a few trend setters of this last year; those who took it upon themselves to 'Dress Up' when the occasion probably didn't warrant it:
My favourite was this effort by Gabriel, who was abused for being Jewish walking down the street in Soho (he's not Jewish, but i guess they must have seen his beard and jumped to the conclusion...) so he took it upon himself to dress as 'kosher' as possible:
As a Yang to this Ying, there was also a huge number of swastikas drawn on friends as they slept. This one is just a drop in the ocean.
Shirts Off, alongside general nudity was also a big feature of the year. One of my faves:
I also realised the reason why American sports involve wearing so many over-the-top 'uniforms'... Because playing sports in a ton of dedicated gear makes it about a million times more fun. It even made cricket seem exciting.
Wedgies are still fun, especially when you're wearing pink pants (and especially so if the last time you wore them you got lucky and got a girl back to your bed, and then when she saw the pink pants she said "what the fuck or those?", put her clothes back on and left your flat).
Oh to be Young...
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
ON THE SUBJECT OF NORTHERN TYPES...
...they love hard house don't they? Maybe the relentless, nihilistic, going-nowhere beats reminds them of the machinery in the steel mills or the never ending drudgery of stealing North Face jackets from Millets. Either way, the Scousers love it so much they've made it their own and call it either Scouse House or Donk House, and, well, I'll let the Blackout Crew explain it in their own words.
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