Friday, 25 April 2008

Sex in the Office

Now I am as up for a laugh as anyone, and i hate all the PC business - but i think having a calendar of anorexic lesbians bathing on the wall of my office is a bit much...

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

A bit OTT

This little charmer has been posting videos on youtube boasting about having 'possed-up' 1,500 girls. Not only is this rather unpleasant, but I must say that I find it hard to believe anyone like this could have run 1,500 girls. Thats a girl every night of the year for just under 5 years.

Find out more from those chaps at the Sun.


One of the many benefits of London’s ever growing multiculturalism is that you can now - if you know how, where, when etc – buy gorilla, rat, chimpanzee and water buffalo meat smuggled illegally from Africa in a number of London boroughs. This wonderful gastronomic news is slightly tainted by the fact that this meat could carry some of the most repulsive diseases that the African continent (market leader in vile disease) has yet to throw up. Ebola – the one where you bleed out of your eyes - is just one of the treats in store for the bushmeat connoisseur in Africa. We asked Jenny Morris of the Chartered Institute of Environmental Health just weather we should be worried about dying horribly because some retard wants to eat illegal monkey steak.

How does this bushmeat get here?
A lot of it in the past as tended to come in through the airports. It’s hard to tell how much comes in due to the illegal nature of the trade. But customs seizures over the last 3 years have increased. We still get reports that it is on sale in markets in London, especially in markets that serve ethnic communities.
Is there an ascending price list?
I guess the harder a product is to get, the more expensive it will be. So a monkey is likely to be much more expensive than a smokie (smoked rat). There were quotes of £300 for monkey.
How much monkey do I get for £300?
I am not sure if it was a whole monkey or a slice of monkey.
Why would you want to pay £300 for some meat that has been smuggled into the country in someone’s wash bag?
It is a speciality product. I’m not sure weather its just about the taste – I guess we pay a lot for fois gras, lobster, etc just because it has a nice taste. These things have speciality markets and fetch high prices.
How serious are the threats to public health? Am I going to get Ebola? Or is it just tamer risks like ecoli, salmonella etc I have to worry about?
There has been an awful lot of debate about this. In African countries there are serious health problems and infections that are transmitted by the consumption of infected meat. There is evidence that Ebola can be transferred from animals to humans this way. But, all the evidence available shows that it is extremely unlikely that these infections would survive transportation. What is far more likely is that these products will have a much higher loading of standard bacteria, like salmonella.
Do health inspectors have to try it? Like when Denzel Washington in ‘Training Day’ says that to be a good undercover narc you have to know and use drugs? Do inspectors have to know and eat bushmeat?
I don’t think that they have to actually eat it. Recognition is an issue. If it was a whole monkey or rat then you could spot them. The difficulty comes when it is cut up. But we use lab testing rather than taste testing.
Any good recipes you would recommend?
No. That’s outside my area of expertise.

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Guilty (Shit Rap) Pleasure Du Jour

2 Questions

1)Why does the CIA spend it's time running a really dull website about country's flags and other boring trivia? Don't they have criminals to catch? Or really frightening plots to foil? I think this is the reason America's secret services are so inept. It's just one big pub quiz team asking each other about capital cities, or what is the largest country to have only one time zone ... (China).

2) If you're going to try to be all 'Maverick' about the situation and start putting words on your flag, can you think of two worse words to put on it than 'Order & Progress'? At least go for 'Who dares Wins' or something that'll gee people up. Could be why they've all given up on life and just play football instead of not trying to be so poor.

Sunday, 20 April 2008

This man wants YOU to fuck him

Biz's Beat of the Day

Yo Gabba Gabba is an American kids show that goes out on Nick Jr.
Its a lot of 'look how funny this kid dances' kind of stuff but one of the regular segments is "Biz's Beat of the Day" which is about as surreal as it sounds.

Forget the worlds biggest rabbit

He's old hat.

The next big thing is dogs that walk on two legs like humans. I'd love to walk around an animal testing protest with one of these guys on a leash.

one hit wonderland

Radio stations like Magic are alot more fun to listen to than Radio1 because they have decades of music to choose from and aren't completely controlled by what record label guys tell them to play.

This point is really hammered home when you're working in a boring office job and have to listen to the radio. After hearing 'Umbrella' 6 times a day, you're really left yearning for something so mindless you find yourself singing along to the whole song even though you didn't ever think you knew the lyrics.

This website has over 500 to download. just make sure when you right click and save that you call it *whatever the songs called*.mp3 or else you'll struggle to play it.

Nena - 99 Red Balloons

Inner Circle - Sweat

*in fact anyone who saw me at Deano and Max's birthday party will probably have heard me singing Inner Circle for most of the night... Shit's infectious

Thursday, 17 April 2008

OFFICIAL: most catchty track ever in the wide world totally.

I think I have had this in my head for a few weeks off and on now. It is so easy to imitate as well - that makes it worse.
P.S. I know this song is really old...

More Japanese Odities

How can the busiest people in the world have this much time on their hands?


URGENT:everyone has to go to UNIQLO - buy gay vests and tell the manager you got it because it looks so fucking hot on this tattooed model. Then they will get him to do more... and it will be VERRRRY JOKES.

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Japanese Light Entertainment

They dont watch neigbours or hollyoaks - they film scary insects bashing the shit out of each other. see more here.

Fried Chicken

This is a list of all the chicken shops in London. In case you need to know...

Paul making a cup of Tea...

Cockney Translator

My friend Alex was going on and on about this video - I had heard the track so ignored him for ages. Then James sent me the link. I was wrong to ignore Alex. this video is MINDBLOWING... "they say 'iron' when they mean 'batty man' - cockney say 'old bill', we say 'dutty Babylon'."

Saturday, 12 April 2008

Mixed Broth

Finally got round to posting a mix, it's a bit rough and slightly unfocused but entertaining nonetheless.

(tracklist to follow)

Mixed Broth April 08 (left click to download)

Alternative Link (follow link to download)


when he starts moving towards him i was really hoping he'd finally snapped. watching jeremy fight would make me really happy in a non-homoerotic way.

incidentally would you rather boris johnson put his dry finger in you bum or have to sit in a prison cell in Venezuela with just ken to talk to for 2 weeks?

continuing the theme

rolex sweep

ok i totally stole this from headphone sex.

how did this happen?


worth skipping to about 6:30 and watching dizzee and others having a heated discussion.


creepy kirk

toss up between this and him singing 'Common People' with joe jackson but this is a bit more disturbing and slightly embarrassing. he's just taking it a touch too seriously.

Subliminal Messaging

Does this mean the Holocaust was the biggest publicity stunt of all time? Was this message secreted on EVERY swastika on EVERY person in Nazi Germany? Is Donald Duck in on this too? Is this the sole reason why Coca Cola is the biggest brand in the world today? Is the History Channel just a constant Coca Cola ad? I have to admit, it was a pretty ambitious coup - but I think they may just have pulled it off.

The absolute proof that all of the above is true is that EVERYONE prefers Coke in bottles. Ask anyone you know.

Dora Aquapet: The most phallic children’s toy ever?

This is up there with the ill-judged Harry Potter vibrating broomstick as far as short sightedness during the production stages goes. Was there no point at which an intern at the design studio piped up and said ‘wait. That looks exactly like a cock.’?

They don't make them like this anymore

Reading this website was an odd experience. On the one hand, it's funny to see old versions of cartoons where Donald Duck is dressed up as Hitler, or Donald meets a Japanese character who says: "Japanese tradition say we only shoot them in the back." On the other hand, it made me realise how if you want to be taken credibly, DO NOT WRITE IN CAPITALS, or in a huge font. It just makes you look ridiculous. Try to read the whole thing; even though it's really interesting, I bet you can't. I couldn't.

False Alarm

I just remembered about this - it was when the Olympic site in Stoke Newington, i think, went up in flames. We all ran out of the office and assumed some total cunt had dropped a nuclear weapon on Bethnal Green. My boss sent me off to get pictures - at the time i was flattered but on reflection he may have been trying to irradiate me. Anyway - i got as far as Bethnal Green, climbed a tower block, realised how far away it was then went back to work.

NOT a sexy French girl...

Apparently it is very not cool to post up pictures of sexy French girls you see when you are out and about then make comments about how hot they are. This is according to my girlfriend. So this should even it out a bit and hopefully make up for my bad behaviour... sorry.


Due to EAT being about 12 steps away from my office i go there a lot. I was discussing their pricing system with my dear co-worker Pegah yesterday and we noted this oddity:
they add a charge of about 50p to heat up you sandwich. Now i don't want to delve into weather or not thats on - but how fucking stupid are these people? If you just make the sandwiches you toast 50p more expensive you get the extra money weather customers request it toasted or not AND people don't feel like they are getting dicked... just a thought.

WORST thing in the world

Worst Rap Battle Ever - Watch more free videos

Here is a list of things which are bad about this video clip:
1.the presenter is a mong
2.he looks like he is riding a tiny out of shot pony all the time
3.the first contestant's shorts
4.the editing
5.the judges - the bit where they all sit there looking impressed for an uncomfortably long time (see point 4)
6.EVERYTHING ABOUT CONTESTANT 2. what happenes to this guy? he actually looses his mind.

Thanks to Kris for this one.

Friday, 11 April 2008

Unfortunate Discovery

I have always liked to think I was pretty impartial to issue of race, gender, sexuality and so on – a real child of the moderate, lefty, middle class, 90’s household. But this test devised by sadists at Harvard University’s Psychology department has shattered my illusions. It is designed to explore peoples’ underlying attitudes to race, gender, sexuality, age and religion. And it has exposed mine in a worrying fashion. It takes a few minutes and will, in all likelihood, make you feel like a total shit all day. I turned out to be fairly racist - no Rodney King level vibes, but you would definitely rather be a white guy than a black one if I was pointing a gun at you and had to make a very quick decision in a dark alleyway. But before you beat yourself up about it, it turns out the majority of white people and a lot of black people associate double-sided battle-axes and hand grenades with black people… prepare to face your inner racist.

Thursday, 10 April 2008

Captain Fun Guy

Not sure who he is - but how much do you want him to be your friend.

Singer person is CRUEL to shit animals... BREAKING NEWS

Mark E. Smith of Manc band The Fall has been exposed as a cruel fuck who would (and I quote) : not hesitate setting about a squirrel with a pair of hedge-clippers.

"Squirrels mean nothing to me. I killed a couple last weekend actually. They were eating my garden fence"

He also revealed that he and fellow band members regularly intentionally ran over seagulls. For the full scoop check out UNCUT magazine. All those animal rights losers are well eggy about the whole thing.

Son House

Got all these on vinyl tother day - I am a very happy man.

New Lil Wayne Cover

Courtesy of my friend James...

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

wise words

I despise getting my haircut

the whole process really drains me.

At least I'm not this kid though, who seems to have been lured into a pretend barber shop by an opportunistic old man.

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

This is like that bit

in Willy Wonka where the guy gets sucked inside the TV - I always really wished that could happen... Knowing my luck it'd catch me just as I was watching someone insane like Arnie or Mike Tyson... just like this gal

who cares?

The reason Glastonbury didn't sell out in 2 seconds this year isn't Jay-Z, it's because most people are starting to realise that this is not fun, these people are not fun.

Mad Mike Pt. 2

In Fact

I remember reading a thing in the Sunday Times saying that most newsreaders have stalkers and obssessive admirers because they're always so nice and appealing. Especially so when you have a reclusive job and don't speak to many polite people. Thankfully I work during daylight and have loads of internet friends, but if that were ever to change... You'll find me loitering around the Sky Sports News car park.

Worst Case Scenario

THAT is why most rapists tend to pick obscure occupations outside the public eye; nightshift workers, long distance lorry drivers, glam rock superstars...

Erm... hi there Ms 9.5

found this lovely little numer in Camden of all places...

Best Shop Name Ever

thank god for the Japanese population's slightly wayward grasp of english.

Good to know...

Bloody Penis Snacks

Its not that Berlin isn't a great city - but what sort of people eat food that looks that much like a severed cock?

Not sure about the 'camel walk'

But the rest of the moves are pretty good.Here they are in action...


Literaly the most insane sports man ever.

Sunday, 6 April 2008

lovely, just lovely

One of my friends at univeristy had quite a high sex drive. I've never managed to forget him talking about girl's arses - that when a girls fit all he can think of is ramming his cock in her arse, but when a girls ugly all he can think of is a big steaming turd falling out her bum. I have no idea what Amy Winehouse's bum makes me think of. It just makes me feel hungry.

some people

People can be pretty down on Louis Theroux. Personally I really like his shows and find they're pretty fun to watch, not necessarily because I like him - god no - but because he must be the most irritating person ever. I like how much he really must rile you to be around him. I just saw a South African hunter get completely fucked off with him, which makes me really happy. He completely snapped and saying "I fucking Hate elephants!!". Seriously, how can you have beef with elephants?

Blood on the Dancefloor

There are some genres of music that I'm just not into, and for the most part it's not the music itself that I find repugnant (Trance and Hard house aside), more the 'scene' or crowd around that genre. For example, Drum and Bass isn't bad by itself, but the crusty dreadlocked idiots who follow it are. Surely after seeing Dj Hype and Dillinja every single week they must be at least a little bit bored of hearing the same drum loop for 6 hours straight??

Dancehall is another one that's mystefied me. It makes me feel pretty awkward and nervous that someone's gonna call me out on my complete lack of understanding about it. Same goes for reggae. My absoulte nightmare is something like this happening...

Friday, 4 April 2008

Russian Diplomacy

For anyone who doesn't get Popbitch this is how Russia's no.1 entertains guests:

"German premier Angela Merkel mentioned to Vladimir Putin, on their first meeting, thatshe had a phobia about dogs. So what did thecrafty Russian do? He made a point of bringinghis Labrador, Koni, to every single meeting he had with her. Obviously she's over the moon that Dmitri Medvedev has cats."

High Flyers

We are 3rd in a google search for 'noodles and broth blogspot'.

We used to be 1st in a google image search for 'carmella neighbours' but it appears there are some fools ahead of us now. I tried in without the search filter on and almost got a little embaressed in the office.
It turns out if you turn 'safe search' off almost any search just gives you loads of porn. And not always that soft.

Not Straight Edge

Luckily my friend Ben decided that the Black Flag bars look better when they are really wobbly. Strangely i think i totally agree...

Age = wisdom

I used to have nightmares about pickle but now I really appreciate how it can turn a cheese sandwich into sweet joy.
If it looked like this though I think I'd stick with my youthful instincts.

Thursday, 3 April 2008

Pretty Boy

When he's not fulfilling his role as the sexiest man in showbusiness, Phil Neville like to kick back in this understated little pad near Burnley. Worth a look.

Oh yeah and this is Paul Scholes' dick. Hard to decide which photos more unattractive but they're both sure to get you some crucial extra seconds during a moment of carnal activity.