Thursday, 31 July 2008


Having worked some menial job in 'experiential' marketing for the last few months and written dumb copy for a big clothing brand's online 'fanzine' for the last year or so, I'm painfully aware that people love to find ways to get their hands on teenagers' money.

Selling stuff to teens is way easier than selling stuff to adults, because you only need to remember that all teens are melodramatic narcissists and then you're away. All you've got to do is you make them think their situation/lame MTV-created 'subculture'/school exams/virginities are crucial, cutting edge or important and you've basically got them. You can then sell them what you want when they're blinded by the sense of satisfaction of finally being recognised as the geniuses/pariahs/subcultural heroes they feel like. All you need do then is put an energy drink in the hands of someone they think they look like (Gallows) and they'll buy that fucking energy drink. Or you could get pictures of the Horrors playing a computer game like I am trying to do at my shitty job now and then people who think they are like the Horrors will buy that.

Of course, one of the simplest ways to make money off of these dumbdumbs is to make movies about them that they then watch because they're super lazy as well as self obsessed and love to sit in a dark room because you can't see their spots and they can make out and finger each other too.

The old teen movie moneyspinner trick has been going on since the dawn of teenagers in the early fifties, back then they were written by amateurish opportunistic directors and made on a showstring, now they're developed by teams of marketing men and star Freddie Prinze Jr. I am fascinated by both extremes because of the way they treat their target audience: like retards with wallets. Which they are.

In the fifties shit was simple, every one of these movies had the word 'teenage' in the title so the audience didn't get confused. They were all about bad behaviour and saying fuck you to the man, except the protagonist always got his comeuppance as they had to disguise them all as morality tales so parents didn't get upset, kind of like how the voiceover on 'Britain's Most Dangerous Drivers' sounds concerned but it's actually just car crash porn. These movies were called JD movies, partly because it stood for Juvenille Delinquent and partly because it stood for James Dean, who was essentially who the main protagonist was always based on. About three years ago I got obsessed with the idea of these movies and bought a bunch of them on DVD from Selectadisc, I can promise you they are all totally unwatchable after the first ten minutes as the acting and script is so bad but the trailers are really cool. Thankfully they are on youtube in abundance. I watch them for the clothes, the babes and the fear mongering.

Using the rule that those movies are maybe how teens would have liked to perceived themselves in the fifties (as a bunch of badasses), today's kids see themselves as dull, pedestrian dickheads who never do anything except have boring sex in their 'dorm rooms' and talk about feelings.

Pharcyde Misery

From the golden days to...

Abject misery. Great song though. One could be fooled into thinking this was false misery - but this documentary reveals the true demise of Fatlip's career. Thanks to Caius for this one...

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Healthy eating

Look what's on this pizza. I would totally eat it without a second thought.

I've been having a think and I've realised my lunches last week were:

Monday: Kebab meat and chips
Tuesday: Footlong Italian BMT from Subway (what does BMT stand for?)
Wednesday: Two sausages, egg, beans and chips
Thursday: Footlong Italian BMT and crisps
Friday: Wetherspoons beer and a burger mealdeal


Just because I drink diet coke instead of normal coke now i think I'm being healthier. I wheeze after going up two flights of stairs these days, I think it's time for a diet.

Cheering in Public

As someone with a Southern accent, there are few things scarier than having to cheer in a public setting.

“Yaaay!” just sounds gay and insincere. Traditional cheers like “Hooray!” and “Huzzah!” are only for people in Victorian novels. And the only alternative is to just ejaculate a roaring noise which is only going to attract attention. I think that’s why so many people shout “Come On!” in those situations. Tim Henman always did.

I’ve always hated people at nightclubs doing the communal ‘Disco Call’, of “Ooowi Ooowi”, a) because it’s such a gay sound and b) because it really reminds me of being at under 18 disco’s and all the disappointment involved there…

So it was with quite some degree of jealousy that I heard Scottish people having their own – much more masculine – ‘Disco Call’, where they all chant together “Here We, Here We, Here We Fuckin Go!!”. Like most other ways of voicing cheer in life, it can only really be done with any degree of credibility in an accent that isn’t Southern.


Punters say the funniest things

PunterNet UK is a lovely place where sordid tawdry little men can go and exchange reviews of their experiences with escorts, hookers and massasge parlours. It is crushingly grim, but also mind bendingly fascinating.There were, at the time of my writing this, 83925 'field reports' - these are where the fun is at. This: "I really enjoyed my time with Sophia. After an incredible back massage(those long nails are so teasing) I turned over and it wasn’t long before she had me in her mouth uncovered which was great to experience again after such a long time" is about Sophia of Oswestry.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Northern Soul

I watched this documentary on Northern Soul last night. It's lovely because it was actually made at the time so there's no horrible nostalgia or any of that 'kids today wouldn't understand' nonsense in it (I always hate documentaries about punk and Factory Records for that reason), it centres around a girl who works in an industrial laundrette and a lathe worker who's about the most thoughtful, gentle man ever captured on film.

I got it off, which has a great documentary section.

Monday, 28 July 2008

Best Website Ever

This was one of those things i was really close to not putting up on here, because i want it to be the reserve of a lucky few - but thats pretty selfish and shitty so here it is: KICK TO KILL. This guy puts up an amazing variety of sublime music that he uploads from his vinyl collection (or so i assume) - all those amazing demos and EPs you cant ever find - they all live here like a nest of mole rats lurking below the barren Saharan sands. HE ONLY PUTS GOOD STUFF UP, so if you don't know it download it anyway and give it a go.

Gushing about Weezer

My housemate is a reasonably successful musician and a total Weezer fangirl, she thinks Rivers is a genius like most people think Bob Dylan is a genius (it's horrible when people actually say that out loud huh? Like they're the first person to think it and it's their special thing). I think that's because she's got a sense of humour about music unlike the people who are all earnest and macho about Bob Dylan. Rivers is on the same quest as Brian Wilson was, he's trying to write the perfect pop song, he even went to Harvard to study how to do it (he wrote a thesis about it, you can find it online if you google it I guess), he's totally cold about it and has made it into a science, it's not like he pours his heart into songs about his life, he's just doing what he needs to do to get hits. The whole thing is a total goof for him.

My favourite thing about Rivers is that he totally isn't how his voice sounds or how the fat girls in his band's t-shirts want him to be- a sweet nervous indie kid- he's unapologetically, arrogantly male and likes drugs, money, underage girls and sports, and he's also kind of old. This has all been said before, but until this new record he hasn't really sung about it.

Here he is hanging with his bros saying what a cool guy he is:

I'll try and post about some really rare hardcore records or something soon.

Friday, 25 July 2008

Office hessian

The old adage is true: you can't fit a square peg in a round hole, some people are physically not built for the office environment. I reckon let this young cub free to street drink, pick people up and do bumps off of plectrums in the wild, he is clearly struggling in captivity- look at his sad eyes.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Hate and Video Games

Because I have cruised through life with little or no direction I end up getting dumb jobs to make ends meet. Recently I had to travel around the UK telling Currys employees how to sell a particular computer game. I need some direction pretty sharpish I'd say.

In amongst this sea of below par, awkward and bland normal people two characters stuck out, the first was this weasley bloke who was in charge of this whole Currys roadshow, he was on my back the whole fucking time to get me to get 'the colleagues' more involved in my presentations (all the management called the drones that, as if they respected them as human beings, but they still treated them like unruly cattle and, I imagine, pay them as one would pay unruly cattle), he had beady little eyes, wore a nasty dress shirt and fucking horrible crododile skin shoes and he was passionate about his work. I hate people who are passionate about their work when their work is organizing some piece of shit touring expo designed to help morons sell washing machines.

The other character I totally drank in was this chump:

I had to work with him for a day, and he was passionate about his job too, he was pockmarked and had feathered hair and bootcut suit trousers and he had tried out for Big Brother or something and he had to run through this shit about being able to tape freeview tv on the console. He really worked the crowd with his anecdotes about being in Thaliraki and watching Hollyoaks on his PSP. He was quite a showman and clearly felt he had it in him to 'do TV'.

This bloke I work with in London came on one of these days and remarked of these people that the only thing he had in common with them was that they probably like lager too. I'm inclined to agree.

I'm such a fucking snob sometimes but I don't really care.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Since we're back on the YouTube tip

How about the most disturbing video ever?? Legalise weed and sex stores and soon we'll have our TV karaoke shows run by raving paedophiles... Oh wait...

More Comedy you'd rather not be reminded of

Dennis Pennis isn't the only person I'd rather have left to my early childhood memory.

Turns out the 'beatbox' guy from Police Academy is NOT funny in the slightest these days. Thank you Killa Kela for ruining that one.

The nominees are...

For worst advised magazine ever:

Publications on Current Affairs are pretty much covered, Time, The Economist, The Spectator, The Week, The Monacle(??), there are dozens of these things churned out every week.

So for someone to try to produce a FourFourTwo / FHM styled version of current affairs called 'Total Politics' (most boring name ever), and then to put THE MOST UNPOPULAR MAN IN POLITICS, Gordon Brown, on the cover is definitely magazine suicide. And is suggested so by the fact they clearly haven't sold a single copy.

It's the equivalent of Thomas Cook designing their Algarve, Portugal Summer 2008 catalogues with Maddie McCann on the cover. Just plain stupid.

T in the Park

Ok, it was a pretty long time ago now, but T in the Park happened recently. Unlike any other festival in Britain. Here's some images that sum it up for me:

Deep Fried Burgers, Sausages and pies. Deep fried Mars bars (not pictured, but I'm sure you can imagine) also blew my mind.

Staple passed out guy, but this was EVERYWHERE and at only like 5 in the afternoon.

The Kaiser Chiefs are still so huge at every festival you can go to. Still not very cool though.

Flying Ant Day!!

So today I came home and there's fucking hundreds of flying ants in my face and all over the floor. So I was all like, "Why the fuck do ants have wings all of a sudden and why are they trying to fly into my mouth??", but then I looked them up on wikipedia and it turns out that it's fine*.

*Apparently it happens every year (even though the last time i rmember it is when i was about 5 and dug my play trowel into the soil and thousands of flying ants flew at me - i thought i'd really hit on something). It's a localised mating ritual where they grow wings, bone and go home.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

i entered a drawing competition

I hope i win...

Pick a Part Thats Roo

Now Wayne Rooney can do just about anything in my book, if he wants to shag old age prostitutes that's cool with me as long as he never loses weight/shaves/does a Ronaldo.
I was going to say that I draw the line at him getting the title of a Stereophonics album tattooed on his forearm but fuck it, if you're going to get a bad tattoo at least get the worst fucking tattoo you can.

He also has the word 'then' tattooed on his back while a friend has 'ok' on theirs in memory of a hilarious saying from their childhood.

Schizo Catz

Apparently everyone knew about this ages ago - but i didn't. This artist painted cats for a living, and as his schizophrenia got worse and worse the cats got more abstracted. I think its one of the best / scariest things i have ever seen.

To Pass A Dull 35 Minutes...

More of these horrific photos here.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Wee-ly Embarrassing

School comes with many opportunities for embarrassment but I'd hazard a guess that being forced by your bitch of a teacher to continue on stage, in front of your classmates and parents, after pissing yourself is probably going to haunt you for a long long time.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Obama's tie

Good on him; he's probably going to be the next President, and first black President and all that... But I really hate how his tie is always so long. It actually hangs BELOW his belt.

Like Falling off a Log

Yes, please Tim. Please share your wisdom of the world with us. Please tell me what I should do with my life, what I should aspire to. Oh, I should wear huge fucking shorts that make me look like an infant? Great, will do. I should open up my set at Glastonbury in front of hundreds of families and play songs about eating pussy and shouting about bitches licking my balls over the tannoy?? Yes, I will do.

This man is a great role model and someone you should probably listen to.

Forward Thinking

I’m a pretty forward thinking guy, I mean, if you wanna go to a gay sauna, that’s fine by me. If you don’t wanna go to a gay sauna, that’s also fine by me…

However, please don’t stand in the doorway of Chariots - just slightly hidden from view - in your work clothes, staring at me for 15 minutes while I wait for my friend at Farringdon Tube station. Way to creep me out, Weirdo.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008


The Daily Grind

I don’t know about you, but I find the morning commute to work pretty boring. I would do pretty much anything to break the monotony… So the idea of having a truckload of policemen shouting and pointing guns at my face until I drop to the floor sounds like a dream, and in fact something I’d probably pay for like in that film, The Game.

So it was with much anger that I read that ‘rapper’ Zuby (you know, the Oxford University Computer Science graduate whose video you’ve seen on YouTube), was actually pretty miffed about the whole experience. Can the Police please make sure that the next time they threaten to kill someone on public transport, they try to find me or someone else who would really appreciate it?? It would really be the highlight of my terrible life.