Were these cool or were they the result of extensive, soulless market research/ninja turtle ripoffs? I can't decide? They said 'jawsome' instead of 'awesome' apparently. I was a little too old for these when they came out but I remember wishing that I wasn't. (Thanks to Will Hutson for always having so much jokes stuff in his house)
Jake McGowan, who sometimes looks like a paedophile but is actually a really nice guy, does a night he calls Feeding Time, and has started a blog with the catchy URL of feedingtimejakemcgowan.blogspot.com for all his flyers, drawings, photography and things. I urge you to pay him a visit, as he's a good man. His blog looks really smart and neat too.
Anal Cunt are one of my favourite bands, I'm not joking or trying to be clever, I really listen to them all the fucking time, often on the tube to work because that is when I am most disappointed with the world. I'm sure you think they are gimmicky and I am dumb and I should be over bands like this now but I completely stand by them. They are these really gross folks from Boston lead by a man called Seth Putnam, a kind of Jim Goad set to music. Seth is an extremely physically unattractive horrible scumbag with a drug problem who is constantly on bail for violent crimes and spent 2 months in a heroin induced coma a few years ago, which means now he often just performs sitting in an arm chair, he is also fat, balding and past forty, he sounds cool huh? His lyrics are completely out of this world hilarious, they're clever and totally irreverent and he's pissed off about all the right things and he wants to annoy all the right people, I'm not going to quote examples, just read through the lot of them on the link, they are all gold, maybe we can post our favourites later. The music is amazing too, sometimes it's total blurgrind, sometimes you can make out a chorus ("BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT YOUR WIFE"), sometimes it's really simple and doomy and sometimes there's a really brutal shredded riff. The speed they play at can be totally insane, Seth's vocals sound like paper being torn up and the guitar sounds like an electric meat cleaver. It is just the best. I love black metal but for all those guys' talk about hating PC behaviour all they really did was hint at not liking Jews and sing about the countryside, Anal Cunt takes that shit to the brink and no one can beat them (all those porngrind bands are pale imitations for pervy losers). Here is their discography, I reckon the best albums to go for are Top Forty Hits and It Just Gets Worse. Go get 'em champ.
Further to the I-post earlier this week, I was in a sex shop today and I spotted these:
You plug them into your ipod and from your ipod to your bottom/front bottom and then you get all nice tingles and stuff in time to the music. Apologies for the shitty quality photos but flash photography is generally frowned upon in the kind of establishment that I found these in.
I know taking stuff from popular blogs is total cop-out cheatsies but this video on Lesley Arfin's page was just too precious not to post.
I can't really think of a better way to describe it either:
"This is like a barf wrapped in a douche wrapped in a cringefactor 3000 answering machine and the only message you can leave is the sound of your own pathetic life."
Although I'm going to try:
This is like those silent raves but amped up to 10,000. Smug, creepy douchebags getting together and feeling pleased with themselves for doing something totally pathetic and gay. The best guy in this is the Italian rapist who seems to have found his sensitive side.
(Proper post with photos and stuff coming tomorrow evening after I finish at the video game store. xxx)
Here are some of my friends discussing their first wanks. Maybe you could share your first onanism experience in the comments section and we could compile a book.
Sometimes rows really get out of hand, they don't always end in violence or breakups, but a lot of things get said and sometimes a single row can mark a significant shift in the course of a relationship. Often after a big row you see each other in a different light or you end up making a topic of discussion taboo, and it's hard to get back from there, I really hate rows. Sometimes rows even get names, usually after the places they occurred, 'the wedding row', 'the airport row', 'the oil-rig row' and so on (a row on an oil-rig would be pretty intense, and then you couldn't get away from each other to cool off because there's not another helicopter coming for a week), they'd get talked about in hushed tones, bringing them up would be a total downer and you could probably ruin an evening by mentioning them. The worst kind of row is when a third party is somehow affected by a row, because then it becomes a real thing that has escaped from your own little private love-domain and into the world at large, it's embarrassing and it makes you feel like shit is out of control, which scares you and makes you question whether you're meant to be together at all.
The other night I was at my buddy Will's house and at about 2am the people in the flat above started having the kind of argument where the girl was doing that really scary thing that girls sometimes do when they hate you for a few hours where basically they regress to being eight and scream uncontrollably like the kids on Super Nanny and there's nothing you can do to shut them up except hit them (JOKEJOKEJOKEJOKE). Will banged on the ceiling, they stopped immediately and must have been mortified that they'd woken their neighbour, except they hadn't because Will doesn't care when he goes to bed because he sleeps til two every day, gets high, draws pictures and eats pizza, he just wanted to make things worse for the unhappy couple.
I've ended up in Brompton Cemetery in Chelsea twice in the last month. Maybe I'm drawn to both the fetid stench of death and the fetid stench of wealth.
I bet the funeral for the person buried here wasn't one of those 'no one's allowed to wear black and there's a great party afterwards' type affairs. It was probably raining and people were really upset and angry, but in a stiff-upper lipped, Victorian way.
Squirrel on a grave.
Crow on a grave.
There were also crypts you could see into with cracked wooden coffins gathering dust in them. For some reason I didn't take a photos of any of them, but next time I will. Also I'm going to get a camera which isn't attached to a phone.
Quite right, the happy-go-lucky tarts who present these Bullshit Phone-in competetitions have been all 'Take, Take, Take' for too long.
I'm with this guy; if I'm spending £2 per minute on a phone call I want a little more than just 'a chance of winning a Nintendo DS'. I want the girl in the studio to actually leave her job immediately, take a cheuffeur driven limo to my house (however far away it is), come into my house and give me some Head.
Or at least to look like a completely broken soul when I ask her this.
Look what's on this pizza. I would totally eat it without a second thought.
I've been having a think and I've realised my lunches last week were:
Monday: Kebab meat and chips Tuesday: Footlong Italian BMT from Subway (what does BMT stand for?) Wednesday: Two sausages, egg, beans and chips Thursday: Footlong Italian BMT and crisps Friday: Wetherspoons beer and a burger mealdeal
FUCK.
Just because I drink diet coke instead of normal coke now i think I'm being healthier. I wheeze after going up two flights of stairs these days, I think it's time for a diet.
T-shirts with 'jokes' on them are rarely funny. It's the equivalent of wearing an A-board; defining your whole being in one phrase... If you choose that phrase to be:
WANTED: NICE WARM HOME FOR MY COCK
Then people will think you are a pervert.
Also, people will definitely look at each other when you stand up to get off the train and drop a green Crayola crayon on the table.
Radio stations like Magic are alot more fun to listen to than Radio1 because they have decades of music to choose from and aren't completely controlled by what record label guys tell them to play.
This point is really hammered home when you're working in a boring office job and have to listen to the radio. After hearing 'Umbrella' 6 times a day, you're really left yearning for something so mindless you find yourself singing along to the whole song even though you didn't ever think you knew the lyrics.
This website has over 500 to download. just make sure when you right click and save that you call it *whatever the songs called*.mp3 or else you'll struggle to play it.
*in fact anyone who saw me at Deano and Max's birthday party will probably have heard me singing Inner Circle for most of the night... Shit's infectious
