Noodles and Dogging

I only just noticed yesterday that googlemail targets the adverts down the side of your inbox according to the kind of words you tend to email about. I get emails about Noodles and Broth. Ergo, I get emails about Noodles shops. Fair enough.

BUT DOGGING?? WTF? No one has ever emailed me about that. Why do I get linked with that shit?

What Does and Doesn't Constitute a Gay Bar

I suppose this is only relevant to my brother, but I'll let you sit in on it too. For future reference, if you go to a bar where the barmen have bleached blonde hair, lisps, eye piercings and sexy tight fitting t-shirts they're probably gay. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a 'gay bar'... However, if the walls are filled with artwork like this:
then it definitely is a 'gay bar'. No big deal, just pointing it out.

But if the clientele consists of fruitcakes like this guy, who manages to heckle you for at least 45 minutes about how he's descended from Pharoahs and is the heir to one of the most noble families that history has known (whilst wearing a pair of beat-up old jogging bottoms and reeboks), then you're not only going to gay bars at the weekends, but one of the biggest dive gay bars there must be. Try out one of the swanky places in Soho or even Shoreditch House.


The whole situation freaked me out so much I had to bring myself back round to normality and so went to eat 12 pieces of chicken with my friend James.

Illicit Encounters

So with the onset of Recession in full swing, apparently there is 3 times the amount of regular traffic on websites like this which promise the potential of an adulterous affair. Big City Bankers are seemingly seeking an extra thrill in thier lives now that white knuckle ride of the 'Daily Commute' and 'Sitting at a Desk Looking at Spreadsheets All Day' has been cruelly snatched away from them.

Jeez, I wish some of the old bints on there were even half as fun as the idea sounds. This girl for instance is a right looker, but you can put your dick back in your suit trousers boys, because she IS NOT INTO ANAL SEX. How many fucking requests for anal sex does this woman get that she needs to make it the main focus of her page???

R Kelly

Well, being that I am usually pretty slow off the mark, everyone has probably seen this already. But I hadn't.

Edinburgh

I went to Edinburgh last week for work. I went with my (our) friend Dylan, we demonstrated a computer game to spotty teens and precocious children for eleven hours each day and stayed in a Comfort Inn room that only had a double bed and a sofa in it each night. I got the sofa because the airline lost Dylan's bag so he had to wear the same underwear for three days, he was in such a mood that if I'd put up a fight about the bed he would have left and taken the weed with him.

This is the full photo essay from my mobile phone.

Edinburgh Castle is an impressive looking thing, we didn't get to look round it though, because we had to spend all our time in a convention centre. Some people came from as far as Canada to see this fucking game, they had no interest in the city around them.


Scottish people love this shit. It's like Lucozade I guess but maybe I'm only saying that because they're both orange. It's weird that a country could be so into one particular soft drink, I suppose that's because it's from there originally, but imagine if the Welsh were all really into Sprite?


The whole city was made out of the same type of stone, it all looked grim, in the black metal sense of that word. I really wanted to go on a ghost tour but we never got it together because we smoked weed in our hotel room til late every night and were too tired to get anything together.

If you set the fire alarms off you got in a lot of trouble, so we were careful to smoke out of the air vent by the shower. We got pretty high every night. On two occasions Dylan fell asleep in all his clothes, which was bad as he had to wear them all the time anyway because of EasyJet being a cunt. We listened to loads of Black Metal and we had two DVDs with us, Freddy Got Fingered and Grudge 2, I heartily recommend them both.


This was the view from our shitty hotel. It takes your breath away huh? On the second last night we tried to get up there but there were too many fences to get very far. The fresh air really cleansed our mental palates of the video game though. We got stoned out there and then all these flares went off in the woods, Dylan thought people must be in distress but I was off the opinion that it was locals trying to light up the sky so they could find us and shoot us for trespassing/being English. I talk a big game about being from the countryside but it actually scares me a little.


It seemed like everyone in Scotland was as old, ugly and fat as the bloke you can see here. That's probably not true but I sure didn't see that many babes.


Loo cleaner, matches, semi-pornographic magazine, weed, half-eaten fruit.


Dylan in full white wizard/necro regalia. When he comes out the shower he wears his towel really high, sometimes only about an inch below his nipples.


This girl was at the computer games convention trying to get laid. Fuck. There was also a girl with only one hand who operated the controllers with her stump. I really wanted to see how she did it so I followed her to each different console stand, then she came to mine and I did a really good job of not staring when she had a go on my controllers and I think she appreciated that, which made me feel guilty as I'd been following her about.

Everyone who worked on our stand fucking hates computer games, and all these geeks thought we were so cool cos we worked there, and wanted to know how to get our jobs. Our jobs are dumb.


On the last day we wandered around town and there was a Scientologist jive band playing in some square or other. I don't get it, it doesn't make sense.