Puzzled

This has to hands down be the worst thing that anybody has ever ever tried to sell.

A fucking PUZZLE of Matthew Upson. How has this happened? Who would spend £14.99 on this? Surely people do puzzles of landscapes or baked beans?

Look at the description:

Matthew Upson portrait prior to kick off. England v Liechtenstein, Old Trafford, Manchester 10/09/2003, Euro 2004 qualifier.
Liechtenstein? Fucking Liechtenstein? This is to commemorate a match where England struggled to beat a minnow 2-0? A match used to test whether James Beattie was good enough to play for England?
And Matthew fucking Upson? What next a Chris Powell commemorative plate to mark England's 2-1 win against Finland at Anfield in 2001?

Licensed Manchester United Merchandise - wtf? This is getting really confusing.

300 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle measuring approximately 17x12 inches (43x30cm), includes a free 7x5 (17x12 cm) photograph and a re-sealable bag (Not Boxed). Estimated image size 432x305mm.
Hang on so if somebody does for some unknown reason decide that they want to part with 15 quid for this they don't even get it in a box?? How is this a real thing?

Unbelievable.

I think it was time...

...to leave home a looooooong time ago.

When your mum looks like a poorly stitched sock puppet, and has paid £45k to look like it, you've got to start questioning her judgement.

If you didn't need more of a wake-up call to get your life in order, you could always pose for a picture in the Daily Mail where somehow, you look exactly like her. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

If I were her, I'd salvage what I could to support a new life on the streets. I reckon her boobs must be about £5k each. You could slice both those puppies off in her sleep and leave home ten grand richer. Ta-Da! No more fear that you are rapidly following in the footsteps of the worst female icons ever.

boredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored

I nearly didn’t post this because it’s so hard to get across through either an accompanying picture or youtube video the EXACT noise of what I’m talking about here, even though you’ll know just what I mean….

You know that noise when old people open their mouths, but it’s not just their mouth their opening, it’s like they’re licking the whole inside of their mouth, and it’s all really dry, but also really wet, all at the same time?? You know, the one that’s only beaten in the annoying stakes by when old people do it JUST before they talk, EVERY time they talk??

(my theory on it is that once old people start talking louder than the rest of society they must notice that everyone gets a shock when they start talking/shouting - which can’t be a very nice feeling - so I reckon they do this just to warn the world not to be alarmed by what’s about to happen)

Anyway, I’ve been pretty bored today and have started doing this before I talk, every time I talk, and personally I’ve found it hilarious. The next time I’m stuck next to someone I want to escape from I’m pretty sure this tactic will work a treat.

Dude...

... so I've spent pretty much the whole day arsing around different blogs, finding a bit of music here and there. For the most part, I've been searching for a song that I like and want to own, but can't be bothered to buy. Doing a Google search through 'Blogs' is really handy for this, and I've gotten hold of some good music as well as stumbled across a few really good blogs.


I've also come across a few horrors though, including this one which hosts more Coldplay recordings than I ever wanted to know existed. And more importantly, why do people say shit like this on the internet (in his Profile section):

"dr. Me? u may keeep discoverin all your life and still you may never ever know me... coz u were trying. not 'knowing', not 'feeling'. you see, im one of those loony people you see - you know the ones that roam around the planet as if they owned it. reach for the sky as if they had wings. the minute you try to hold them down, they just smile back and fly away. You think you'd clip their wings sometime... but they just break them off, patiently grow new ones and fly away again... to find their haven of faith in a world that chooses otherwise. Thats me. ... and if you look within, maybe, thats You too."

No, that is NOT me. I always walk down the street like I own it, but I have definitely never reached for the sky like I had wings and then flown off when someone tried to 'hold me down'. Seriously, all this anonymity gives the internet a bad name. The sooner we all know what each other's thinking, the better.

Until then, I'll take advantage of the situation to admit that I can't get enough of real shit music like this:

Real McCoy - Another Night

Infinity Explained

Laziness is a pretty weird concept. Sometimes being lazy takes such commendable dedication and commitment, that it’s actually not lazy anymore. For example, Lying in bed all day watching TV? That is lazy. Lying in bed all day with slippers on? Yeah, that’s pretty lazy.

However, if you really feel like pushing the envelope you could buy one of these ‘Big Slippers’ for £60.


I can’t get my head around the idea of buying a slipper that’s so big you put BOTH feet into it. I mean, that is definitely such a dedication to laziness that it’s gone full circle and you’re no longer lazy. If you need to take a piss, you’d need to go through all the toil of bending down, unleashing your sweltering feet, and then gamboling to the toilet (on a cold floor) and losing all the benefits you’ve just gained.

This is such a perfect example of things going full circle that I should try to sell it to schools for when they try to explain infinity in GCSE maths, like when you draw a graph of the tan 90 curve and it goes so far upwards that it ends up coming up from underneath over the other side of 90.

The only other benefit I can see to these is buying two and leaving them in your living room at night in the hope that any burglar is going to shit themselves at realization that they’ve broken into the house of a fucking giant.

Edinburgh

I went to Edinburgh last week for work. I went with my (our) friend Dylan, we demonstrated a computer game to spotty teens and precocious children for eleven hours each day and stayed in a Comfort Inn room that only had a double bed and a sofa in it each night. I got the sofa because the airline lost Dylan's bag so he had to wear the same underwear for three days, he was in such a mood that if I'd put up a fight about the bed he would have left and taken the weed with him.

This is the full photo essay from my mobile phone.

Edinburgh Castle is an impressive looking thing, we didn't get to look round it though, because we had to spend all our time in a convention centre. Some people came from as far as Canada to see this fucking game, they had no interest in the city around them.


Scottish people love this shit. It's like Lucozade I guess but maybe I'm only saying that because they're both orange. It's weird that a country could be so into one particular soft drink, I suppose that's because it's from there originally, but imagine if the Welsh were all really into Sprite?


The whole city was made out of the same type of stone, it all looked grim, in the black metal sense of that word. I really wanted to go on a ghost tour but we never got it together because we smoked weed in our hotel room til late every night and were too tired to get anything together.

If you set the fire alarms off you got in a lot of trouble, so we were careful to smoke out of the air vent by the shower. We got pretty high every night. On two occasions Dylan fell asleep in all his clothes, which was bad as he had to wear them all the time anyway because of EasyJet being a cunt. We listened to loads of Black Metal and we had two DVDs with us, Freddy Got Fingered and Grudge 2, I heartily recommend them both.


This was the view from our shitty hotel. It takes your breath away huh? On the second last night we tried to get up there but there were too many fences to get very far. The fresh air really cleansed our mental palates of the video game though. We got stoned out there and then all these flares went off in the woods, Dylan thought people must be in distress but I was off the opinion that it was locals trying to light up the sky so they could find us and shoot us for trespassing/being English. I talk a big game about being from the countryside but it actually scares me a little.


It seemed like everyone in Scotland was as old, ugly and fat as the bloke you can see here. That's probably not true but I sure didn't see that many babes.


Loo cleaner, matches, semi-pornographic magazine, weed, half-eaten fruit.


Dylan in full white wizard/necro regalia. When he comes out the shower he wears his towel really high, sometimes only about an inch below his nipples.


This girl was at the computer games convention trying to get laid. Fuck. There was also a girl with only one hand who operated the controllers with her stump. I really wanted to see how she did it so I followed her to each different console stand, then she came to mine and I did a really good job of not staring when she had a go on my controllers and I think she appreciated that, which made me feel guilty as I'd been following her about.

Everyone who worked on our stand fucking hates computer games, and all these geeks thought we were so cool cos we worked there, and wanted to know how to get our jobs. Our jobs are dumb.


On the last day we wandered around town and there was a Scientologist jive band playing in some square or other. I don't get it, it doesn't make sense.