Tuesday, 19 August 2008


I went to Edinburgh last week for work. I went with my (our) friend Dylan, we demonstrated a computer game to spotty teens and precocious children for eleven hours each day and stayed in a Comfort Inn room that only had a double bed and a sofa in it each night. I got the sofa because the airline lost Dylan's bag so he had to wear the same underwear for three days, he was in such a mood that if I'd put up a fight about the bed he would have left and taken the weed with him.

This is the full photo essay from my mobile phone.

Edinburgh Castle is an impressive looking thing, we didn't get to look round it though, because we had to spend all our time in a convention centre. Some people came from as far as Canada to see this fucking game, they had no interest in the city around them.

Scottish people love this shit. It's like Lucozade I guess but maybe I'm only saying that because they're both orange. It's weird that a country could be so into one particular soft drink, I suppose that's because it's from there originally, but imagine if the Welsh were all really into Sprite?

The whole city was made out of the same type of stone, it all looked grim, in the black metal sense of that word. I really wanted to go on a ghost tour but we never got it together because we smoked weed in our hotel room til late every night and were too tired to get anything together.

If you set the fire alarms off you got in a lot of trouble, so we were careful to smoke out of the air vent by the shower. We got pretty high every night. On two occasions Dylan fell asleep in all his clothes, which was bad as he had to wear them all the time anyway because of EasyJet being a cunt. We listened to loads of Black Metal and we had two DVDs with us, Freddy Got Fingered and Grudge 2, I heartily recommend them both.

This was the view from our shitty hotel. It takes your breath away huh? On the second last night we tried to get up there but there were too many fences to get very far. The fresh air really cleansed our mental palates of the video game though. We got stoned out there and then all these flares went off in the woods, Dylan thought people must be in distress but I was off the opinion that it was locals trying to light up the sky so they could find us and shoot us for trespassing/being English. I talk a big game about being from the countryside but it actually scares me a little.

It seemed like everyone in Scotland was as old, ugly and fat as the bloke you can see here. That's probably not true but I sure didn't see that many babes.

Loo cleaner, matches, semi-pornographic magazine, weed, half-eaten fruit.

Dylan in full white wizard/necro regalia. When he comes out the shower he wears his towel really high, sometimes only about an inch below his nipples.

This girl was at the computer games convention trying to get laid. Fuck. There was also a girl with only one hand who operated the controllers with her stump. I really wanted to see how she did it so I followed her to each different console stand, then she came to mine and I did a really good job of not staring when she had a go on my controllers and I think she appreciated that, which made me feel guilty as I'd been following her about.

Everyone who worked on our stand fucking hates computer games, and all these geeks thought we were so cool cos we worked there, and wanted to know how to get our jobs. Our jobs are dumb.

On the last day we wandered around town and there was a Scientologist jive band playing in some square or other. I don't get it, it doesn't make sense.


Lord God said...

This blows all the other posts this week out the water.

Conroy Van Winkle said...

I love this post, firstly i would have fucked that 'girl trying to get laid' as long as she was legal. I would have pretended i knew all about mario or something, i love nerd chicks.
Secondly i love the high towel observation. (you can create a kind of condom sock thing over smoke alarms by placing a small plastic bag over it and securing it with an elastic band, i always come equipt)
Thirdly, where is the picture of the control pad being operated by a stump. That would be educational.

RDF said...

I know, I know. I really, really wanted to get one of it but logistically it would have been impossible without breaking serious social convention.

Anonymous said...

I did the ghost trip this summer. It was awesome! Everyone met at midnight and i took it upon myself to take my 13 year old step brother and his friends - they soon forgot what cocky spotty teenagers they are and nearly shat themselves whilst being locked in a crypt!
Can't recommend it enough

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