Oh, Amanda... Love is all WE need... If only you knew the way that t-shirt slogan makes me feel inside...
"Ive just closed my eyes again Climbed aboard the dream weaver train Driver take away my worries of today And leave tomorrow behind Ooh dream weaver I believe you can get me through the night Ooh dream weaver I believe we can reach the morning light
Fly me high through the starry skies Maybe to an astral plane Cross the highways of fantasy Help me to forget todays pain
Ooh dream weaver I believe you can get me through the night Ooh dream weaver I believe we can reach the morning light
Though the dawn may be coming soon There still may be some time Fly me away to the bright side of the moon And meet me on the other side
Ooh dream weaver I believe you can get me through the night Ooh dream weaver I believe we can reach the morning light Dream weaver Dream weaver Dream weaver"
is it a joke? Why is he such a sleazeball? What is Raggaetron? Why does his unique brand of 'the romantic sound' sound so shit? I know Argentina is far away, but surely someone at his record company had some idea of what words are banned on US and European radio stations? Is the Aregentine Raggaetron scene really so big that they aren't even interested in being able to sell records to the rest of the world??
with the nazi shit already. Let's leave more to blog about for the rest of the year. I'll try lighten the mood with this nice picture from River Plate playing Boca Juniors. They're playing each other on the 19th April, and I'd fucking love to go. Anyone ever been before? (apart from all the Nazi's who fled Germany after WWII to South America, obviously) Any stories??
Racist photography enthusiasts are so difficult to buy presents for. For a start, you don’t want to buy them anything too big, or overtly racist, i.e. flags, banners or posters (see below) as they might not want to put them up in their house for everyone to see. So they’ll have to lie to your face and pretend that they have, when in fact all they’ve really done is quickly stuck them up with Blu Tack just before you pop round their house. And genuine photographic equipment can be so expensive.
Surely there’s a way to combine these two niche tastes?? Yes! There is!! Thankfully some kind folk on eBay has created a ‘Hasselblad gollywog’, in fact, they’ve created ten of them and they all come with their own certificate of authenticity to show that they really are ‘Hasselblad golliwogs’!
Thank god, I’d hate to think that some pervert could just sit in their house creating these humerous images of hate without an authentic endorsement from Hasselblad, or the international golliwog foundation…
This cheery little site is host to some slightly disturbing posters that were produced in Germany during the Nazi regime. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised considering they were made to hang in schools, but they're really quite tame and look (from a distance) remarkably like posters in any school these days (apart from the one with a skull on it, never had things like that in my school).
Anyway, they seem to be less about rousing images of Aryan superioty over all other races, and a lot more about disabled people being a waste of time and charts about birth rate and pretty dull things like that. Good to see that school posters were not a great deal more interesting, even then.
Forget koala bears, they're yesterday's news. Panda's are my new favourite thing ever. Just look at them.
Also, a few favourite facts from the pages of wikipedia: Though the Giant Panda is often assumed to be docile, it has been known to attack humans, presumably out of irritation rather than predatory behavior
After mating, the male leaves the female and the mother is alone to raise the cub.
pandas lose their interest in mating once in captivity. This has led some scientists to try extreme methods such as showing pandas videos of mating pandas and giving male pandas Viagra.
The mating season takes place between March and May, when a female goes into her estrous cycle which lasts for 2 or 3 days and only occurs once a year
Copulation time is short, ranging from thirty seconds to five minutes, but the male may mount her repeatedly to ensure successful fertilization
Usually, the female panda gives birth to one or two panda cubs. Since baby pandas are born very small and helpless, they need the mother's undivided attention, so she is able to care for only one of her cubs. She usually abandons one of her cubs, and it dies soon after birth.
While we're on the subject of magpie blogs, Sorry I Missed Your Party is party photos stolen off Flickr. The rest of the world apart from me and my friends is a peculiar place I think I would feel out of place in.
This week's been a bit slow for me on here, that's because I started a new job, I'm house hunting and I DJed at a thrash show last night (where I saw the magnificent Mutant, featuring the consistently hilarious Tom Luchtenstein on vocals), so here's a link to my new favourite blog, IDidntCare.com, which features images stolen off myspace and facebook and stuff. I live for the RSS Feed of this baby. What have I become?
If anyone can find me a cheap place in London's fashionable East End then I'll let you be my BFF for life, like, seriously, 4EVZ.
Ever since watching Outbreak and Congo, two superb films, I have been a bit terrified of monkeys, or apes, whichever. My only two reference points for them are horrific hemorrhaging diseases or superhuman, violent strength. Everyone else seems to find them cute, like this lady who had a pet one called Travis she used to sleep with (non penetrative (at least I assume)), drink wine with, and kiss goodbye every day. Anyway, this life long companion to the undoubtedly unfortunate lady, she is a widow and her daughter died, was all shits and giggles until recently. Travis, the little scamp, tore her best friends fucking face off and ended up getting shot by the police. Bit of a slip up there. But what triggered the attack? Did the victim tread on his paw, slap him, tease him? No, she dyed her hair blond. How about this for an idea: don't have a potentially savage animal with huge teeth and a sensitive approach to hairdressing living in your house? If you really want to freak yourself out you can listen to the 911 call . *shudder*
I didn’t know what Twitter was until last week, and I am none the wiser now. But all I’ve heard about for the last week is how amazing it is or who’s arguing with who over Twitter (Lilly Allen and Perez Hilton). Just see how many articles the Guardian have written on Twitter in the last week. At least half a dozen a day. Wtf? And they also talked about a massive really cool party in East London that heralds how cool Twitter is. I walked past that party and it looked like a fucking Wankerfest. Fuck Twitter.
1. Film cameras are fun; “ha ha! Woah, when are these from??; I don’t remember this!!; Who is that you’ve got your arm around??!; I Love getting photos back!!”…
2. Film cameras are (generally) cheap as ho’s so it doesn’t matter if you drop it; “hey! Wtf did you do to my camera??; The lens won’t go back inside / only takes completely blank photos / is gonna cost me £150 to repair”… which also makes them much more fun.
3. Film cameras mean you only take 36 photos in a night compared to 216; “shit, I need to buy a new hard drive already??; Christ I need to delete some of these – who needs 19 pictures of Jim trying to light a match with one hand??; Sorry dude, can’t burn you those photos from last night, they won’t fit on a CD”…
But more importantly than any of these things…
Film cameras are the fucking most annoying things in the world if you actually want to take a photo and it breaks. I went through the best part of 3 whole rolls before I got them developed and found out I had it on the wrong setting.
Turns out my photos/memories of a trip to Manchester are actually those of a 78 year old man suffering severe glaucoma, and rather than remind me about how much fun I had serve as a stark warning to take care of my eyesight because I would really hate to be blind.
I've heard a lot of songs, but I've never heard a song that sounds as much like frenzied, bitter masturbation as this. If you're a chubby alcoholic male who hangs around in East London at parties with girls who are too glamorous and young for you, then you should download it here.
It really peaks around 1.21: "She just........never wants too.... DAMMIT"
Anyway, here's the full lyrics, you desperate loser. Because sometimes, it's just never going to happen.
My face is finished, my body's gone. And I can't help but think standin' up here in all this applause and gazin' down at all the young and the beautiful. With their questioning eyes. That I must above all things love myself.
I saw a girl in the crowd, I ran over I shouted out, I asked if I could take her out, But she said that she didn't want to.
I changed the sheets on my bed, I combed the hairs across my head, I sucked in my gut and still she said That she just didn't want to.
I read her Eliot, read her Yeats, I tried my best to stay up late, I fixed the hinges on her gate, But still she just never wanted to.
I bought her a dozen snow-white doves, I did her dishes in rubber gloves, I called her Honeybee, I called her Love, But she just still didn't want to. She just never wants to.
I sent her every type of flower, I played her guitar by the hour, I patted her revolting little chihuahua, But still she just didn't want to.
I wrote a song with a hundred lines, I picked a bunch of dandelions, I walked her through the trembling pines, But she just even then didn't want to. She just never wants to.
I thought I'd try another tack, I drank a litre of cognac, I threw her down upon her back, But she just lay up and said that she just didn't want to.
I thought I'd have another go, I called her my little ho, I felt like Marcel Marceau must feel when she said that she just never wanted to. She just didn't want to.
I got the no pussy blues.
Here's an angry, coked up Midfield General remix as well. All the coke is making you impotent by the way, you're never going to be able keep up with her.
The problem with boobs is that they're so predictable. For a start there's always two of them, and they always sit side by side pointing downwards. It's rare to see a pair of boobs that break the mould, but I'm sure you'll agree that Emilie Solbou must be very happy with having thought up the idea of her boobs being completely upside down and actually hanging UPWARDS. Sure, buying bras will be a little more effort, but just think about the dramatic cleavage she will be able to achieve with those gravity-defying norks. Good job Emilie.
If ever there’s been someone who fits the epitaph of ‘a cunt’ it’s Paul Danan. The guy shows such dedication to being utterly unlikable in every way that it really is quite impressive. Just look at his face. Few would look at a newborn baby and think that it would have the ability to morph itself into a physical manifestation of a cunt, and I bet Mrs Danan didn’t think it either, but Paul managed it. Maybe it was a mistake, an inadvertent accident from pulling a silly face when the wind changed direction, but far more likely is that Paul saw the pure evil that lurked within him and couldn’t resist showing it to show it to the world – in his face, in his actions, in every horrible word he utters. What an achievement.
They say no publicity is bad publicity, but somehow Paul has managed nothing but that since he was thrust onto the screen in Hollyoaks. Besides the Celebrity Love Island incidents; where he struggled to avoid raping every girl that he saw, started on an ex-nightclub bouncer who would have clearly fucking battered him, and whining to Callum Best to ‘please make me a drink mate, oh go on’, my favourite thing he did was lose his pantomime job in Jack and the Beanstalk in Preston by turning up to turn on their Christmas lights and tell the 3,000 people who’d turned up to ‘Make Some Motherfucking Noise!!’ as if he’s Flava Flav.
What a fascinating man. I could watch him all day.
Last Saturday we played a few songs at Get Me at the Globe. It was great fun and everyone had a good time. But there is some amount of weird shit in that place.
For a start the front door is like something out of a James Bond film, it's entirely metal and once bolted shut forms one immovable object with the wall itself. There is no chance anyone will be breaking in there any time soon.
Next to the door, there's a little stand and drawer where you can have a sexy door girl (or Bob) take money off customers. Pretty normal so far. But the drawer was pretty much jam-packed with posed portrait photos like this. Either someone had just finished an 90s retro photoshoot and left the prints in the drawer for safekeeping, or someone is a fucking weirdo and takes great care of photos of people they don't know for years and years.
Remember around fireworks night those harrowing government films would come on in the middle of the toy commercials during CITV warning us about handling fireworks and not getting caught in the bonfire and stuff? I was such a little puss I used to flat out walk out of the room covering my ears when they were on, I always found them genuinely distressing, the thought of a burnt up face or getting trapped in a fire haunted me for weeks if I was stupid enough not to see one of these films coming in between the Boglin and Sylvanian Families ads. The thing is, they fucking worked, those fear mongering little shorts -I never went within a hundred feet of a firework once they were lit, and I'm still a bit scared of them now.
In Arab countries they show those kind of films all year round, except they're more worried about issues like obedience and less concerned with telling the kids the truth, and their government films reflect that. This film, entitled "Child Who Treats Parents Very Badly" is a pretty great example of the powers that be freaking the kids out and presumeably thinking that the end justifies the means. Woah. Behave, kids, or you'll get turned into a furry snake demon like this stupid girl who told her mum to fuck off or something.
They have skateboards in Uganda now! Isn't everything just a dirt track out there? It's pretty funny that he's wearing a cycling helmet, that's a pretty nerdy move. He has nerd shoes too, but he's still shredding the rad. I always knew that skate shoes were a conspiracy, there's nothing special about them at all, you could skate in brogues as long as they were a tiny bit grippy on the bottom. Idi Amin was from Uganda, he used to call himself "His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular". You'd think someone might have called bullshit on that, but no one said a word, they were worried about getting fucking eaten.
Have you seen fmylife.com? It's mainly Americans complaining about their jobs but if you go in the 'top FML' and 'flop FML' sections you can find the gems. That's all really. I've got a cold today, I'm not on form at all.
watch - you can see him lurking in the background. Good of him to dress up for the occasion and dump the baseball cap. Gentlemanly new do though... I think he is telling one of Franz Ferdinand that his Tottenham badge that looks like a Stone Island logo is 'a lot'.
