Pocari Sweat

I’m no guru on branding, but to me it seems like life’s pretty tough for guys who make soft drinks. First off, everyone drinks Coca Cola as the default choice anyway (or Irn Bru if you’re in Scotland), so getting people to buy your sickly sweet, inferior little brand is going to be an uphill struggle.

The two main vehicles to attract the eye of lay consumers like me is through the colour and the name. It’s so obvious. These guys must sit around all day coming up with the brightest mixtures of colours and words to try to pocket my 50p.

Witty, catchy names don’t interest me. That’s the reason I’ve never bought Snapple. It’s such a gay name, I couldn’t bring myself to be associated with it. Gatorade on the other hand… Now that’s a drink I want to be part of – a raid of alligators. It’s even turquoise, my favourite colour. And Um Bongo, god knows it tastes like shit, and I’m dead sure they don’t drink it in the Congo, but it’s the best. Lilt as well, I love that stuff, even though it’s so sweet that it makes me need to spit out the thickest chunks of saliva for hours after drinking just a small can. Although the adverts had milkmen in Jamaica delivering Lilt, it wasn’t even available to buy in Jamaica. The only reason I buy drinks is because I love being targeted and marketed towards. It makes me feel so special.

This whole deal makes launching a new drink pretty tricky too. That’s why beers have names like Cobra and Tiger, because they’re pretty vicious and exciting; exactly what you want from a beer. My favourite drink of all is Mountain Dew. It tastes so fresh; exactly like that feeling of waking up in a boiling tent and then opening the door to release the steam and being greeted by the sun shining directly into your eyes and a wet pair of shoes that you left outside. It even looks like water that’s been sat in a field for ages. Perfect name, perfect colour. Spot on guys!

So for a company to release a drink with a name like Pocari Sweat (a liquid with a cloudy hue that I haven’t seen since I saw a clip off a Japanese gameshow where they actually collected people’s sweat, and people competed to sweat more than the other contestants), it seems to go against the grain of everything I know about soft drinks. However, this drink tastes amazing and makes me feel great. I just really wanted to share that, and say how happy I am that I’ve found a shop in London that stocks it.