Monday, 8 September 2008

Vanity Project

It's been a great week for me and A-list celebrities. I DJed with our buddy Ted (pictured below) at Push on Saturday night (I've moved on from playing the same four Capleton songs like I have done for the last three years now I've discovered downloading off blogs) which was cool because it was literally only us playing upstairs. None of the default human beings that go to that club liked our music so we played to no one, Ted drank all the free sauce he could (I'm on the wagon now) and we split the cash at the end, it was great.

However, the actual interesting thing about that night that Rhys Ifans' "band" was playing in the main room, and it was the worst thing I ever heard, total shit, but it was also totally brilliant, in that it had every hallmark of a vanity project that anyone could possibly think of. Let's look at the facts:

1. Someone who I think was his non-famous brother was onstage with him, hoping that finally his famous brother would provide a meal ticket and get him out of Bumfuckgthwainddwellthynlleth (or whichever Welsh shit-hole town he's forced to live in while his brother fucks babes and bathes in milk etc).

2. There were about 15 people onstage with him, and they were all really good at their instruments and obviously session gimps, but he mainly did nothing but copy Ian Brown badly.

3. He also barely sang, there was a black gospel singer and another bloke on guitar who did that, he mainly did the Ian Brown thing with a trilby pulled over his eyes like the lamest old-guy-being-indie you've ever seen in the Good Mixer.

4. There was 'friendly banter' onstage, but basically all the other musicians did was laugh nervously at Rhys's poor gags. More meal ticket behaviour all round.

5. Halfway through the set Rhys held up a piece of cardboard with 'NEED TO FIND PLACE TO STAY FOR 9 BAND MEMBERS TONIGHT'. Like he doesn't have a fucking place to stay in London and he's going to slum it with some douchebag who goes to Push on the regular.

6. The lyrics were laughable, sub-Oasis nursery rhyme shit that meant nothing at all and that could only have been approved if the people approving it were arse-licking yes-men who Rhys was buying coke for.

7. The music was really boring dad-rock that sounded like he'd gone to the head session guy "i want it to be a bit Primal Scream, a bit Stone Roses and a bit Super Furries, cos that's what I really love, I'm really into music, I always have been.." and the session guy was like "yeah, it'll take me an afternoon to knock it together, but first, where is the money?".

8. Rhys Ifans is a cunt.

The other thing was that the place was so empty that I could literally walk up to the stage, take these photos and stroll back upstairs without knocking into a single person at all. Because, the only people who like movie stars enough to go and see them do something that isn't a movie are dumb bitches who listen to top 40 music and the kind of people who listen to the music that Rhys Ifans thinks he's making think all movie stars are total fags. THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK RHYS, GIVE UP NOW!


MIKE-IKE said...

i think he peaked in notting hill and i would of told him so had i not been peturbed by the aura of vd he was emitting as he slathered over all the underage meat outside like a filthy homeless person on a can of shandy.

hellviper said...

default human beings is totally mine