Tuesday, 11 November 2008

New York: Noodles on Tour

The first thing you notice about New York is how gaudy and outlandish everything is. It's almost a stereotype of itself. People ready do tut and say "God damn" when things go awry. And the people absolutley love New York and anything to do with New York. In clubs when a song comes on by someone from New York everyone freaks and runs for the dancefloor. We were at quite a cool party, and even when they played Ja Rule people were whooping and getting really excited. Clarks obviously tried to cash in on this by releasing the ultimate New York shoe. This combination between Ghostface's love for wallabees and New York's love for jiggy bright colours surely couldn't fail... Except New York isn't quite a stereotype of itself... Note the 'Sale' tags. Ouch. The Police even drive really small cars to prove that not everything over there has to be supersize. It makes them look like they have no authority.

My favourite part about New York is that they have discovered that everyone's favourite food pizza and burgers. So that's all you can buy, and they're the best pizza and burgers in the world.

All this fast food does have one downfall, it makes you shake like junky all day long, but no one there seems to mind. We even saw someone pouring sugar allover their rice and omlette breakfast - it seemed pretty normal. Vibrating like you've a nervous disorder is in fact so desirable that Subway advertise their drinks on the basis it'll make you shake...

Taking a trip to a museum will really make you appreciate being British and having stolen everything important or interesting from the rest of the world throughout history. We went to the Natural History museum and it was fucking bollocks. There was this Arab street scene (note the man on a flying carpet). What credible historian wants to put his name to a museum exhibition that has shit like this in it, really??

Oh, and I believe it's spelt 'Da Nigga' these days...

The feeling of love for London was completely mutual. They love 'the British' out there. I think tattoos like this should be made mandatory throughout the world to remind everyone just how great London is.

Queenie must be huge out there. They even have shrines to him above toilets.

There's something about New York and amazing tattoos. See if you can spot the tattoo here. Free sticker for anyone who can say what it is, too.

Having to tip barstaff for every drink completely blows. You'll find yourself drinking this stuff all the time. It's a complete saviour; sold pretty much all the decent places you want to go, and only $3 a can instead of like $5 for a crappy bottle.

Another expensive thing is accomodation. You'll do well to find yourself a decent room that doesn't look like this, and have dead mice on the floor chewing their legs off whilst stuck on glue traps (i couldn't bring myself to photograph that shit).

We took a trip to Coney Island which was the most depressing place on earth. It's all shutdown and is left with tantalising fairground attractions that, frustratingly, I've only ever seen in old films like this one where you can shoot live human targets.

Also, they've made efforts to offer disabled people a gym on the beach (one of the few public facilities I've ever seen for disabled people), except they really fucked up and put it on the beach, so they have to either learn to walk and wade through the sand to get to it, or spend an eternity wheeling themselves to the chin-up bars. By which time theire probably fucking knackered and won't be able to get home.

Americans have really fucked up adverts, like this one for storage... What the fuck has an anti-abortion protestor got to do with moving flat?

There was an election while we were there and everyone took to the streets. It was pretty cool. If I was Obama, I'd be shitting my pants now though.

The shit in Friends and movies where they talk about New yorkers as being really crazy and doing anything in the park is really true. These guys were skiing. Dude, just wear inline skates??

There must be some marketing agency in New York who really lucked out in landing some big contracts, whilst not knowing what they're doing and then really fucked up the resulting campaigns. As if getting abortions and moving house mixed up wasn't bad enough they made the faux pas of thinking that just cos guys like pussy and eating things they like eating pussy. Sorry, but no dude is going to be conned into buying granola by the idea that it tastes like pussy. I guess it must be targetted at gay guys who already like granola but miss the taste of rimming a good arse in the morning (because Fanny means your arse out there).

... Oh, and there are a lot of Megs in New York.


Robert Thumbs Downey Jr said...

this is excellent. megs are everywhere

Rasha said...

A ladybug tattoo!

Anonymous said...

Stupid ass that is Sarah Palin. But what she has to do with putting your clothing in storage...

lunch said...

stupid ass. (christ!) she is anti abortion numb nutz.

Thurston von Trumpington said...

someone has themselves a sticker!!

New Yorker said...

No, we don't love the British here, I don't know who you were hanging out with. We think you're a bunch of stuck up, class-obsessed, authority-respecting, fussy little irrelevant cunts. And the storage ad is a funny little comment on Sarah Palin's lack of experience.

Anonymous said...

fuck america and it's tipping system!