DOUBLE WHAMMY

THANK YOU ESSEX ROAD.

ON THE SUBJECT OF NORTHERN TYPES...

...they love hard house don't they? Maybe the relentless, nihilistic, going-nowhere beats reminds them of the machinery in the steel mills or the never ending drudgery of stealing North Face jackets from Millets. Either way, the Scousers love it so much they've made it their own and call it either Scouse House or Donk House, and, well, I'll let the Blackout Crew explain it in their own words.

ON THE SUBJECT OF GRIME...

This is pretty old too - but it kind of makes me miss Manchester. Thier accents / salopetes / mountain bikes / balaclavas / all black ensembles really put the fear into southern pussies like me. It reminds me of one night when some little fuckers shot fireworks out of a pipe, like a mortar, at my friend jim when he went to the corner shop. He wasn't into that... good times.

Grimmest Grime Video Ever

Rap videos tent to err on the side of decadence much of the time, too the point where I often feel like I'm going to develop a case of Gout if I watch MTV Base for too long. Grime videos, in contrast, often attempt decadence and fall desperately short- average looking girls, Elizabeth Duke 'bling', crap cars, an ugly crew and grim weather are the hallmarks of much of Channel U's fare. Hats off, then, to Giggs and Hollowman, who seem to have fucked off all of that and filmed a menacing ode to violence in the shittest rec room ever. It goes to show all you need is some Stone Island and a paper cup to appear much harder than 50 Cent, there's a real understated Britishness to this that brings a patriotic tear to my eye.



I stumbled across this when I was looking for Talking The Hardest, Giggs' freestyle on the Ard Bodied mixtape, turns out he knocked up a video for that as well.



(I know this is quite old but I'm not exactly Prancehall)

Louisa Lytton: Saucebox

I've been forced to watch more Eastenders than I care to remember over
this Christmas period and for what?

Stacey Slater's looking a little ropey these, and my old favourite,
Ruby Allen seems to have left... So here I am google imaging her...
This cannot go on much longer.

Sex on Tv

Jeez, I'd totally forgotten how embarassing it is to watch a sex scene
on tv with your parents.

I really wanted to go upstairs to read my new Viz annual anyway, but
as soon as I could be bothered to get up from the sofa I noticed the
the girl and boy on tv were starting to cosey up in her bedroom. Which
meant a solid cloud of silence quickly filled the room as everyone
twitched with awkwardness. There was no way I was leaving for at least
another ten minutes...

Fortuntaly the scene was innocuous enough and all they did was have a
blowback on a joint before he greened out and fell asleep.

It was worth sticking around for though, as my mum was completely
bemused by what was going on. The guy started acting all weird, eating
anything he could, with really freaky eyes. My mum was all like
"what's happened to him? It looks like he's on drugs..? ... is that
supposed to have happened just from smoking that cigarette?? I don't
think that would happen just from smoking a cigarette..."

My and my dad laughed to ourselves cos we knew he was smoking a doob
in the first place. Ha!

Sexy Town

I'm sure by now we're all familiar with this:



When Lil Jon calls her a bitch as she does the splits it makes me feel really weird. Then he calls her a motherfucker as she's doing the can-can and I feel worse. I had to check my feelings weren't wrong and it's turns out they're not, she's 18. I did an image search and the picture below came up. Gulp. There is a generation of boys getting funny feelings they don't understand from this show. First stirrings of sexual awakening ahoy.



Apologies to our female readers, rest assured that I disgust myself sometimes.

Design Classic

Whoever thought up the idea of putting this Parental Advisory logo on
records must be the cleverest guy in the world. For a start, it means
nothing. You don't need to be a certain age to buy albums with the
sticker on and it's not even mandatory to put it on really rude
records (Danzig's self titled album was one of the first to feature
the sticker and it didn't even have bad language on it).

The fact is, when youre 14, it's the coolest logo in the world. Even
more so than one of those 'stay off the grass' posters. The idea that
bands like Danzig put it on their music when it doesn't even naughty
words in it just confirms that the logo is more of a stamp of approval
than something that's going to put you off buying the record (a bit
like the 'smoking kills' stickers on cigarettes).

I'm pretty sure that most popular music in the 90s (like Cypress Hill)
only made it so big because every teen, the world over, knew to buy
anything with this logo on.

Another Christmas Gift

I had a big argument with my sister because it's Christmas so I have been sulking in my room and I made a compilation for you all because it's Christmas. Download it here.

Big Gay Heart - The Lemonheads
The Day The Niggaz Took Over - Dr Dre
Do You Love Me? - The Explorers Club
Grit City - Spank Rock
Hiking Metal Punks - Darkthrone
I Got An Office Job For The Sole Purpose Of Sexually Harrassing Women - Anal Cunt
I Got Erection - Turbonegro
I'd Rather - 3 Six Mafia
Jack The Ripper - Link Wray
Juicy/New York, New York - Notorious BIG and Frank Sinatra
Kids Of The Black Hole - Adolescents
KKK Bitch - Body Count
My World - Busy Signal
Pussy Nuffi Suck - Vybz Kartel
Reagan Youth - Reagan Youth
Rubella - Smoking Popes
Satanic Slut - Nunslaughter
Snoop's Upside Your Head - Snoop Doggy Dogg
Web In Front - Archers Of Loaf
Auto-Manipulator - Crispin Hellion Glover
Helter Skelter - The Beatles

Put this in a new folder otherwise all the tracks will spread out over iTunes cos they are all in their albums still. This is only a selection of the 15 Gigs on my laptop, cos I moved a lot onto an external hard drive. I am such a fucking nerd it makes me sad.

Let me know if this is any good and maybe I'll do more.

A Christmas Present

I've got in the habit of downloading stand-up albums recently. This guy is really funny, he is pretty much a jobbing actor and screenwriter, he was in that show Ed, which is a piece of shit that E4 puts on in the day sometimes and he wrote Run Fatboy Run with Simon Pegg. He is way funnier than his CV suggests though, he seems to be some sort of nearly man, career-wise, and I am going to champion him. His blog can be pretty funny too.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Some photos from MY work computer

Shacklewell Arms

A couple of weeks ago Ronojoy had his birthday at the Shacklewell Arms in Dalston. It was brilliant. You should go, at least to see these 3 things…

The guys’ names above the door are great.


The DJ booth is made to look like a watermelon.


There are murals all over the walls. They’re all great, some of them are excellent, like this miscegenous couple ‘freaking’.


Although I suppose now that you’ve seen them there’s not the need to go all the way there.

Some pictures from my work PC

Woolworths

Woolworths has gone bust, it closes forever on January 5th, which is a great pity for all those workers, but let's be frank, it's an appalling shop and it has been for years. It's an American company but people seem to think it's some sort of British institution like Morris Minors or old buses. When did people use it for anything more than buying Simpsons pants and littering in though? When I was growing up in Hampshire it was the only shop in our small commuter belt town that sold toys, so there was a time I loved visiting it. They had a good range of GI Joes and Mr Bean videos, but as I got older John Menzies had a better selection of cds, air gun magazines and Universal Soldier videos, so I got over it. I went in to the one in Camden a few months ago because I couldn't be bothered to walk across the road to Argos and everything was sticky, like when you spill a fizzy drink and it dries. They didn't have what I wanted (they didn't have anything, and this was before the economic crisis) and so I crossed the road and got the thing I wanted in Argos. When I was little though it was cool and strangely enough some pretty pivotal moments in my childhood happened in there between the ages of seven and 13:

• First stirrings of sexual awakening looking at the back of a Cindy Crawford workout video.

• Stealing two penny sweets, walking out, eating them, getting crushed by guilt and thinking god was watching me, going back in, putting two pence down near a till, running out. I didn't steal again until I stole from Pret next to the Size I was working at in Carnaby Street.
  

• Second stirrings of sexual awakening looking at the back of a Basic Instinct video.

• Watching boys with skateboards try and steal stuff and having an argument with staff and thinking they were totally badass and wanting to get a skateboard.
  

• Third stirrings of sexual awakening looking at back of Pretty Woman video (she's lost it since then).

• Having my first real gear crisis in the clothes section, choosing plimsoles for gym, wanting some Ninja turtles clothes but my mum saying something about council housing and me not being allowed them (she is very middle class indeed).

• Forth stirrings of sexual awakening looking at the back of a Total Recall video (I don't think it had anything sexy on the back but I saw it when I was really young and the girl with three boobs made me feel funny).

• Getting really weird about buying Gameboy games because they were so expensive I was only allowed one a year so I used to take three hours to decide which one I wanted. Deciding finally on a Terminator game that was so hard it put me off video games for life.
  

So yeah, that's it, goodbye Woolworths, your Petersfield branch made me horny when I was little and you weren't as good as Argos. This is kind of like when Friends ended except I was actually quite upset when Friends ended.

Wife Material

Obviously I haven’t ever been abducted by an “English rapist, kidnapper, extortionist and murderer”, so i can’t properly relate to Stephanie Slater, who has been. But I reckon if I was kept in a coffin for 8 days and repeatedly raped with the constant threat of death hanging over me I would try to put the incident behind me and likely never talk about it again.

But that’s just me. Thankfully Stephanie Slater has more of a lurid interest in celebrating these sorts of things than me, and so she’s made her own website about the incident, with newspaper cuttings, a story detailing what happened and, and even put up some pictures of where she was kept, a few pieces of evidence and also a picture of Michael Sams – the guy who abducted her. The best bit is the ‘Random Photo’ thing at the bottom right hand corner of the screen, which is normally reserved for happy holiday snaps or things to make you smile. Stephanie uses it to display random images of her misery. What a chick!

Middle Class Mayhem

I am back at my mum's in Hampshire for Christmas, her favourite thing to do is iron things that don't need ironing (boxers, jay-cloths, tea towels etc) in front of the TV. She loves to watch detective shows about the middle classes killing each other off out of revenge, bitterness and pride. I am watching Poirot with her as I type this, and there has just been a joke that you can only find funny if you know what Brown Windsor soup tastes like, she chuckled a little bit. My sister just came in from riding and her medical student/rowing champion boyfriend is down as well. We just had some quiche and now my sister is asking me about whether her Ugg boots will cut the mustard fashion-wise in London. Is anyone else having a more middle class time than this at the moment?

When Stunts go Bad...

people die. I watched this on ITV4 today at lunchtime. It was really funny seeing a 78 year old man tightrope walk across two buildings. It was even better when he started shaking loads because of a high wind. You can see he starts to panic and hunches down low to keep his balance. We were all laughing at this point because no ones really gets hurt in these programmes, its like you've been framed... Except that in this video the guy loses his grip and falls off the rope, with no safety gear on, you hear him scream and then see him fall to his death.

Bit of a bum note for a Sunday lunchtime.


Rope Walking Accident - Click here for another funny movie.

Pretty Amazing

I don't know why this guy isn't more famous. It makes me doubt the whole idea that he was the first man in space...



The bit where he jumps out of the balloon and falls to earth without any noise or even his clothes ruffling is brilliant.

Guest Celebrity Gossip Blogger

Recently I've been moving in some pretty heavy circles, so I thought I'd share some celebrity gossip with you all.

My friend's dad knows a model who claims to have had Bill Clinton snort coke off of her tits during his time in office. I trust my friend's dad and he seems to trust her, which is (almost) good enough for me.

Mischa Barton has a weird shaped body in real life, she has wide hips and a big arse and would probably get a 6 if she was not famous.

Josh Hartnet (sp?) has a small dick.

That's kind of it really.

Much love,
Perez Hilton x

TOY SOLDIERS

I remember being young, and being into Lego. But it pissed me off no end that Lego did not make military bits of Lego. I mean, they made knights, and pirates, and futuristic lazer gun stuff. But apparently it was deemed too violent to make a swat team or a Rwandan jungle kill squad for kids. Maces, swords, cutlasses, spears and canons were all ok though. They didn't even make the blocks in khaki, dark brown or green - i once covered a fire engine in the leaves they made, but i t was unconvincing. I just wish i had know about these guys back then, it pains me to know that i could have had a Lego helicopter with a SEALS team in it who could blow up a Lego truck full of Jihaders, or reenacted the Battle of the Bulge. But even I, in my endless youthful bloodlust never thought of doing this.

The Word

90s house was great. 'Laddism' was great. The Word was great. In fact, everything about the early 90s with it's centre partings, energetic dancing, baggy suits, and 'in yer face' attitude seems like so much fun to me.

I guess it's because I'm too young to have been part of it myself (in fact, I was quickly put off becoming any part of it at school by the constant reminders of Leah Betts dying on ecstacy) but it happened at just the right time to stir an interest in me that sex and drugs and rock and roll realy existed. Sitting in my pyjamas, this whole world of raving every weekend and then heading out to Ibiza with 'the lads' seemed pretty far off, but at the same really pretty fucking attractive. My one point of access for this was The Word, which I used to watch religiously every Friday night.

Even now, it looks like mayhem, with the crowd shouting over the top of interviews and bands coming on only to be given the most half-arsed interview of their life (see below), but all in all it makes the world 15 years ago looks like a hell of a lot more fun than anything that's happening now. All we get is Alan Fucking Carr and that cunt with the long hair who's running joke is that he's the only person on TV with a West Country accent (the joke's running a little thin by now surely?).

It irritates me that you can't read about the 90s and the ecstacy explosion and laddish culture and raving without the cause being cited as Thatcherism, and the young people of Britain making a conscious reaction to it through going out and getting fucked on pills. But if that was the case I hope this current recession gets really bad and forces kids into something a lot more interesting than rehashing old trends, I've had just about enough of 'Retro' as a concept. To think there's so many kids at Art School these days and no one can do anything original.

Anyway, some killjoy has really not grasped the carefree spirit of The Word and made it so that clips of the show uploaded to YouTube can't be embedded in other websites, so click on the links if you want to see:

Snoop Dogg being interviewed by Mark Lemar (whilst Snoop was still on trial and before Mark Lemar made it 'his thing' to be really grumpy)

Faith No More being interviewed by a man who clearly hasn't heard of them before

Tories fighting Miners

There's also other great clips of the show and some other clips yet to come, I hope.

SATURDAY NIGHT

Come along to this, I'm only bringing the Death Row Christmas album (even though it's totally shit and you can't dance to it) and a jungle version of Jingle Bells for the end of the night. It's going to be great.

Nambucca RIP

Holloway's finest venue, Nambucca burnt down last night, no one got hurt but apparently it's pretty fucked. If you've ever popped in to meet some underage indie jailbait or just to do loads of K with good people in excruciatingly tight jeans, then take a moment today to remember those good times- there were quite a few. It was a motherfucker to get to and from and indie music has never really been my bag but I can't really recall ever not having fun there.

A pretty underhand prank

I know it's pretty backward that Bruno's never heard of Fubar but that's nothing compared to some of the things people are willing to believe in outside of the Western world. These two geniuses had their faces tattooed after their village chief in Indonesia, Sawiyono, told them he had received a text message from a government official offering them work as Jakarta intelligence officers, a job requirement being that they must have their faces tattoo More..ed with dragons. On the basis of a single text message Nanang, 30, and Bambang, 40, yeah that's right, 30 and 40, willingly went ahead with it and were pretty bummed when it turned out that it wasn't really required of them at all. Now, as you can imagine, they feel pretty stupid and are doing a massive backpedal and trying to save face by claiming the trickster was a kind of mystic and they didn't feel in control of their actions at all when they were doing it. Whatever douchebags, you got Punk'd, fair and square, live with it.

FUBAR - I need it

Andy told me about this film yesterday. I had never hear of it. It looks like the best thing ever. Hello Amazon. No doubt it is really embarrassing that i don't already have the collectors edition.

PS. As Andy also pointed out - Dylan and Ben?

Boglins

Around this time of year eighteen years ago I began to ask my parents for a Boglin, I didn't stop asking for one until I was really too old to be asking for one (I played with my GI Joes until shamefully late in the day as well, I'm something of a late starter). But every Christmas and birthday I'd end up disappointed, because of my dad's policy of not endorsing the purchase of 'plastic nasties' for his kids (that's what he called basically any toy that was any fun or made to look any fun on CITV commercial breaks). I think because he is half Scottish and an outdoors-y type he hated anything that was expensive and glamorous-looking while not really serving any purpose, while I've spent my life having the exact opposite feelings on that matter. I think he expected me to play with wooden tops until I was ten and then ride my bike across the South Downs every day until I could play county rugby and sail yachts single-handed. He is actually a very reasonable and liberal-minded man but I think we both feel like maybe there was a mixup in the maternity ward all those years ago. Anyway, I digress, look at how much fun Boglins are in the advert below. If I was to go into business as anything I would get into the toy industry, capitalism works so well on kids because they like things and colours and colourful things, so if you get any of those elements together and put them in a nice box or put them on the tv you have a sure fire winner. There are no toys that kids don't like.

Strictly Speaking, Not Very Funny...

Further to the last post, i think the majority of people would agree that molesting and murdering your own child through neglect is a nefandous act, and highly deplorable. However... some people will stoop to anything to get a laugh, like the person who set the Baby P story to rap. It's quite funny, but makes me feel like the worst person in the world.

Morbid Thoughts

Everyone's got to die from something. Most causes of death are pretty hard to confront or joke about because you'll probably know someone in your own family who's died from it, or at least know of someone who has. And that's not the ideal starting ground for a humerous anecdote.

But whereas Pancreatic Cancer is generally accepted to be 'not very funny', some ways of dying are very funny (or at least pretty cool), and deserve to be celebrated. My favourite way of dying is Fatal Hilarity, where people laugh so much they can't breathe and die. Upon first thoughts, that sounds like a perfect death; enjoyable, fun and it doesn't involve months of anguish as you slowly waste away toa putrid, jaundiced shadow of yourself. But in reality it would be horrible. Just as when someone's tickling your feet and it looks like you're having the time of your life (but what's really happening is that you're really in pain and beside yourself with panic), the same situation would apply here. It doesn't matter if you're laughing, you're still suffocating to death and that would be a pretty distressing way to go.

Some of the deaths in this list are not really funny at all, and the more recent ones a actually quite grisly, but it makes some good reading anyway. Here's a few of my favourites...

1981: Jeff Dailey, a 19-year-old gamer, became the first known person to die while playing video games. After achieving a score of 16,660 in the arcade game Berzerk, he succumbed to a massive heart attack. A year later, an 18-year-old gamer died after achieving high scores in the same game

1978: Claude François, a French pop singer, was electrocuted when he tried to change a light bulb while standing in his bathtub which was full of water at the time

1940: Marcus Garvey died after suffering either a cerebral hemorrhage or heart attack while reading his own obituary, which stated in part that he died "broke, alone and unpopular"

1911: Jack Daniel, founder of the Tennessee whiskey distillery, died of blood poisoning six years after receiving a toe injury when he kicked his safe in anger at being unable to remember its combination

207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunk donkey attempt to eat figs.

I <3 Easy Listening

Suffering from a cumulative 3 day hangover and about 4 hours sleep is not fun. Even watching Goodfellas seemed like a bit of a chore. Having to leave Tescos with only Doritos and no salsa dip because you're worried you're going to faint is no walk in the park either. I've found that tidying my room and listening to what I would term 'Easy Listening' tracks like these is the only thing that has made me not want to kill myself. Enjoy.


Crash Test Dummies - Hmm Hmm Hmm

Neil Young - Don't let it Bring You Down

Led Zeppelin - That's the Way

Blue Steel

Who'd be a male model eh? Other men will always resent you for being pretty, but the only people who fancy you are gay men, fat fashion students and other models, who are all completely mental. Sure, male models are the only people who get to have coke-fueled group sex with total babes on the regular, but the ones I know tell me it's an awkward, unsexy affair and you can't look at your buddy the same way once you've seen his arse bobbing up and down, also sometimes when that happens you get a flash of arsehole and then you can never speak again.

The other problem with being a male model is that you are really just a clothes horse and you could be a card carrying member of the BNP and people would still hire you, so if you're into lame things no one says a word because they want to keep you happy or they're into other lame things too. This is how accidents like this are allowed to happen:



Now, according to my buddy who is a male model as well, this guy is actually a nice guy amongst a sea of pricks even though he's a cheesy dude. But doesn't this video make you shudder more because he's so incredibly good looking? If it was two ugly boys from a provincial sixth form college it would be fine, but this guy has travelled the world and met some of the world's most creative people and still thinks acoustic guitar/terrible white MC is an acceptable combo. Youtube 'Snish' for more ska punk/nu metal atrocities with a total babe frontman.

Clark And Michael

Every time we feature an internet sensation on here we're always two years too late, but I don't think anyone over here really noticed Clark and Michael the first time round. Michael Cera is now a big deal and Clark Duke was recently the only funny thing about that Dawson's Creek-type show about fraternity houses, Greek, playing a bitter fundamentalist Christian student. Clark and Michael itself is pretty much humour based around being intimidated by the world at large and trying to appear relaxed about it and having a shit friend that you lean on and has to lean on you because you're both shit. All the episodes are on Youtube, just search Clark and Michael, they're all about 8 minutes long. Here is the last one I watched:

Hello Again Buddy

More HERE

A Smack in the Face for Feminists

You know the old arguement that pornstars make when they say that what they do is empowering to women? I don't think the girls in this (safe for work, don't worry) banner ad have a leg to stand on, frankly.

HEY MR DOUCHE JAY DON'T PUT A RECORD ON

Those of you who know me know I am not the best DJ in the world, I pretty much keep the crossfader in the middle, slide the volumes up and down and pay no mind to petty conventions like finding songs of similar bpms or cutting out really long intros. My skills were called into question last Saturday I was playing my usual eclectic mix of dancehall songs downloaded off of Skreemr and Death Row rap from 1993 at Bar Rumba to a crowd made up of burly girls who looked like they worked as mental health nurses and drunk Indian men with boundary/grinding up against girls issues.

I was there because my friend Lester had the brilliant money-making idea of putting on a night in a West End club, not thinking that West End club types expect a certain amount of top 40 music, RnB and a certain standard of DJing. What they got instead was whatever dancehall mashup theheatwave.co.uk was giving away that week fading out two thirds of the way through, a moment's silence and then Bitches Ain't Shit played slightly too loudly.

I'm not saying they should have put up and shut up, I don't think it was punk to make them listen to that stuff, I was totally in the wrong place (ie not the Macbeth) to get away with this appalling standard of DJing. These people paid a fucking tenner to get in and have a good time and all they got was me chatting away to my buddies and not noticing the end of a song had come -and other assorted illegal DJ moves on my part.

Anyway, about a half hour into my set a pretty girl came up and sheepishly handed me a folded piece of till roll, I was pretty excited and thought that maybe this was going to be the first night ever I got laid from djing, but alas, instead of a phone number or a 'meet me by the toilets in ten minutes and I'll spin you round like a record baby' all I got was the cold hard truth.


In case you can't make it out the last line it says I'm not even fit. Yeah, this was a pretty big blow to my confidence.

However, I got this note a little later on, which was a little more positive even if it was off a big mental health nurse, so it all evens out:


I'm never leaving my comfort zone again, it's too much of an emotional rollercoaster.

The Sunday Sport

Most people can tell that the Sunday Sport has a pretty misleading title just by looking at the front page. It has very little to do with Sport, and a lot to do with titties. Those of you who aren't entirely au fait with soft porn and offensive humour probably haven't even bothered to pick it up and have a look inside before making your own mind up on what kind of a periodical it might be... If you did you'd realise it's very misleading to think it's even a newspaper.

I bought it a couple of weeks ago when I was really hungover and haven't laughed so much in my life. I was too hungover to remember any of the stories though, or even to keep hold of the paper until the next day. Anyway, I bought it last Sunday, and it really didn't disappoint. It was great.

Because they make up every single story in the paper (apart from page 2), there's no such thing as a slow news day. It's an Editor's dream. And because this particular editor likes to look at girls' tits and hear far fetched stories about a hamster who's had his hands chopped off and replaced by hooks and then had his left eye cloud over so that the hamster's the spitting imaage of Abu Hamza... that's EXACTLY what's in there.



Even true stories like Shannon Matthews or Serial Killers have far-fetched stories made up about them. My favourite part of this week's was the serial killer Christmas decorations.


Read some of the stories here if you can make them out. It's so much better than the boring shit they print in the Sunday Times (can't you just log on to the BBC site on your phone for that stuff?), that it's simply the discerning reader's only choice.






I'd say this piece of comment about AIDs and gay people probably wouldn't be allowed in most serious newspapers....